It’s nearly February already crazy how time flies.
These last few months have been real shit, the most difficult time in my life for sure.
Something I just want to touch on cause I’m still mad about it to this day.
I’m super poor obviously as is my family, so when it came time for funeral costs our shitshow of a funeral home just seems like nothing but a tick that latches onto you only wanting to suck money out of you like blood. So we go in do the thing give the info talk a little they get down to brass tax naturally they are a business after all but something about all this just feels so cold and callus. They drop the bomb on us saying we need 22k up front no payment plans no credit checks no dick sucking will suffice. So we say well we will have to see what we can do and get back to you. I’m thinking go fund me or I can rob a bank amidst my crippling depression. So we leave, but these fucks don’t inform us that we only have 5 days to come up with 22.000.00. If we didn’t come up with the money which we couldn’t. Our loved ones would be released to the state to be disposed of. 2 things, none of us in our family really didn’t want to be cremated if we could help it but dying is unfortunately more expensive than living apparently. And when we went in to the funeral home none of us were in our right state of mind we had just lost two people our minds were all fucked. So the fifth day swings on by mighty fast and we get the call in the morning that towards the end of the day your family burns they would be sent off to be disposed of by the state. So naturally we are just whiplashed from confusion cause these fucks never told us shit the first day we went in. My immediate reaction was to Molotov their place of work but clearer minds prevailed shame to they seemed to like fire. So we with time ticking away we scramble asking friends and distant relatives if they could help it yielded no success sadly. However shockingly at the last minute my late grandfathers life insurance comes in clutch to double dick us hard. They throw some excuses around how his death wasn’t an accident and that it was natural causes “sarcastic air quotes”. So apparently Covid is considered a natural cause of death it wasn’t unexpected at all he didn’t die suddenly 8:46am on Oct 23 same for my mother who passed just the day before at 9:02pm on the 22 of Oct, no I just imagined all that! So the insurance company says best we can do is throw you a couple g’s. 5k. So we were told if the state takes them we wouldn’t get anything back no ashes they'd just be gone. Oh but the funeral home generously accepted the 5k from granddads life insurance which I just want to point out he had been paying on for over 25 years, my mom sadly didn’t have any insurance or funeral plans in advance. Luckily his insurance was barely enough to cover both of their cremations. So at the end of the day I’ve learned two things. Fuck funeral homes they can all burn. And fuck all insurance companies. Like holy shit. I think my head is still spinning from the rage and it’s been like three months.
Wanna know something else 5k just to burn my family and they deliver them to us in what is essentially black cardboard boxes, 5k isn’t enough to give us a couple of nice urns or something and they’re not much like 50 to 100 bucks. That funeral home was fucking disgusting, the people their were only focused on money and didn’t inform of us anything.
I think I’m done ranting about this stupid shit.
When I die just throw my body into the ocean or put me on tiny wooden row boat and light me up fuck it.
So anyway besides all that nonsense that I’m trying to put behind me I’m doing well, I guess, I don’t know really that’s probably a lie, I think I’ve been avoiding my emotions I picked up on this a little while back probably around Christmas. I’m constantly keeping myself distracted so I never have a moment to really think and process this. I walked into my moms empty room the other day and it’s like a cold dark hole it sucked me in like a void and I froze up and just sat in there for an hour thinking it was dreadful I couldn’t breath. I wasn’t ever much of an emotional person so a lot of stuff I keep bottled up. I feel like I’m gonna explode one day and just crash into the sun.
I’ve been using materialistic things like new stuff, food, my friends and games, music, media and memes to distract myself from feeling anything day by day and I’m not sure how much longer that’s gonna work for me. I even resorted to using delta 9 just to not feel so shitty, I don’t really want to get addicted to drugs that doesn’t seem financially viable for me but it’s a pretty nice trippy feeling definitely takes my mind off shit.
Normally I’d talk with my mom about this but well that’s just not a thing I can do anymore, I don’t want to talk to my brother he’s an asshole and I partly blame him for every one of us getting sick and everything that happened. He even admitted it that he blames himself. God this world is so fucked up.
My grandad was a great guy, we used to play games together a lot he practically helped raise me since I didn’t have a dad. I wish had done more stuff with him towards the end I regret that looking back on it now.
Hell I regret a lot of things.
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2 years, 2 months ago
28 Jan 2022 23:33 CET
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