You all have seen my journals over 2020; the documentation of my severe mental breakdown throughout the year (especially to you certain peeps on Discord). I haven't been in a good state for sure, but 2021 hasn't been kind to me either, but for completely different reasons.
My place of employment lost nearly all its crew (because of one employee) and we've been working on a what is essentially a skeleton crew for the past three months, on top of having two major drastic changes in our management. I've been holding out for the sake of one manager, but that manager was removed right before he was supposed to return, leaving us with another manager that is managing TWO stores at the same time. I've accumulated about 50 hours of overtime within the span of two months and by the divines of heaven and earth . . . I am insanely sore as shit.
Art and projects have been put on a massive hold and much of my creative drive has been non-existent, due to stress, the immense heat this summer, and my financial situation becoming more strained somehow despite getting some hefty paychecks (thanks to my university FUCKING me over > . <)
And now, I've finally caught a 3 to 4 day vacation I've scheduled a year in advance and . . . well, I just don't know what to do anymore. I could ideally get a new job and just say "Fuck this" to my current job, but by the gods . . . I don't wanna work anymore.
Staffing shortages are at an insane level and even some stores are shutting down lobbies, not due to COVID, but due to lack of staff. Even jumping ship means finding myself on another sinking vessel.
But hey . . . . today (Aug 19th) is my birthday, and I'm broke as shit.
. . . . . .
I'm sorry this turned out to be another big rant, but I don't know what to do anymore. I try to work hard and not screw anyone over, but I keep getting screwed by everyone around me at my job, at my university, and it hurts. All I wanted to do, ALL I EVER WANTED out of this life was to make music, make art, and breathe life into this world. Now most days, I just wanna crawl back into bed and hope the worst is over . . . only to wake up and drag myself to another day at a job where customers bitch about their burgers being made wrong.
I'm sorry. I failed you all.
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2 years, 8 months ago
19 Aug 2021 07:11 CEST
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