To anyone who read my last journal, I'm sorry. I've been a little unhappy lately. When someone I knew said I being... passive aggressive, I guess it gave me a lot to think about. I feel like I have a... pathological need to be liked, but I'm not even sure who I am. I try so hard to get noticed, try to find some sort of meaning in my life, but... I don't know anymore.
Sorry if I'm a little depressed. Heck, I've even sent prayers to God (I'm a Christian, just so you know) telling Him how I feel, believing it helps. I feel like the Lord is the only person I can talk to, because I felt like nobody listens to me, not even my own family. I just... feel broken and I'm sorry if I'm making anyone feel hurt by this. I'm just pouring out my heart to all of you, thinking some of you are the only people who even care about how I feel, because I don't even know if anyone feels the same way and I just need somebody to talk to.
I had a lot of great ideas, even before I joined this site. I put my heart and soul in more story ideas and cosplay ideas than anyone can count. Again, I try to get noticed and find meaning in my life, but... I just can't no matter how many times I try. And another thing, I feel like a might be... in a toxic place, but I highly doubt I'm in a toxic time and I struggle to get away from it. And I'm not thinking suicide, just throwing this out here, because being the Christian I am, I refuse to even think about it and I assumed God Himself wouldn't want me to do that.
Growing up, I had trouble making friends and moved through a lot of separate homes because my parents... went their separate ways when I was little. Years came and went and the only things that ever lighten my days were a lot of cartoon series and anime from the 90's and the early 2000's (I made a journal on June 1st talking about how much I missed the 90's and there are times I miss the good things about the 90's and I wish they would back). Another thing I missed was the Nintendo 64 when I got a lot of games, plus a green N64 console (True story about how I got it) and a PlayStation 2 which more games than you can count. I missed a lot in my life and not a days goes by when I don't feel unhappy about that. I also turned to a lot of Flash animations, hoping to give me some cheering up and excitement in my life, from sprites to animation (Posted a journal on December 28th last year that talked about some of my favorites right before Flash disappeared). And... I'm sure some of you remember at least some of the cosplay ideas and/or story ideas I posted on some of my journals and I dreamed of seeing at least some of them come to reality, but... now, I feel like people who want a fourth season of Sonic X; waiting for something that's never going to happen. (Ironically, my first journal on DeviantArt was about a fourth season of Sonic X which I thought was going to appear on Toonami, but... that was before I found out that the whole thing was just a rumor).
My point is, I struggle to make myself and those around me happy, but now... I feel broken and lost. I believe it was Brian Griffin from "Family Guy" who said this best: Is there ever a time when we're truly in the present moment and not looking towards the past or the future, just... right there in the moment? I still have my family, though, otherwise I'd... probably be lost and they're the only people in this world I ever liked. I also remember three words that my stepmother once told me: Life is short. All I want is to make people happy and I want to find some meaning in life to show how much I care for someone other than myself.
You know the most idiotic thing about all of this? When I was in high school, I thought my computer was the only was the only thing I can go to in order to get away from all of the stress and anger I've been going through in my young adult life, and back in middle school, I had problems with my anger and it ends up into a huge disagreement. I grew up in the 90's and when I was younger, I was enjoying things a lot, but looking back on it years later, I don't know what happened to me. I mean, I grew up in the 90's (Won't say which years due to personal reasons) and when I saw some shows and movies based on them, I was really bummed out. They remind me of my childhood and it hurts my heart. I miss the good old days.
Sorry, I have mixed emotions since yesterday and this all started because I heard two words: Passive Aggressive. I never even heard it a day in my life, until yesterday and when I looked it up, I was really heartbroken. I mean, like I said earlier, I try so hard to get noticed and get my ideas out there to other people and I've been starting to think nobody cared. Just to name a few examples, I recently pictured the dinosaurs from "The Land Before Time" as Clone Force 99 from "The Bad Batch", the cast from the "Pokémon" anime as Class 1-A and other characters from "My Hero Academia", plus different versions of Spider-Man, I even had this really cute idea of my Sonic's OC's having a Pokémon battle with their Pokémon Teams and I had a very special idea on how the battles will turn out. I had a few story series I've lost track on, because of other projects and issues with my family. I simply forgotten about most of them. Heck if I know when I'll ever get the motivation to do them again.
I didn't mean to sound like I'm rambling on or ranting or whatever else, but to anyone reading this journal, I'm sorry. I tried to find some meaning, some purpose in my life and no matter how hard I try, I just can't. Heck, last week on Friday, I had a mental breakdown on my stepmother all because of a lack of communication. Then it hits me, Am I really becoming passive aggressive, and do I really have a pathological need to be liked? Because it sickens me.
Update: I might redo on August 1st, because I don't know if this journal turned out okay or if I have more to say. Who knows?
