I refused a commission today. I usually refuse based on two simple causes: I really dislike the person or I really dislike what they want me to do. The other reason I would refuse is of course due to already owing a bunch of people.
Today was rather depressing for me though. I started off quite well, drawing a lil bit, then eating and watching some sylvanian families. Daddy Duck wanted a comish, and offered to pay me what I'd blown in grocery money yesterday ($40). He gave me lots of refs for it, but my heart sank as I read what he wanted. I decided to refuse because I felt pretty depressed at that point. I announced I was ending the stream and another watcher pointed out that Lando's stream was just starting...joy..what perfect timing. I stepped away from my computer and walked down the road for a while. When I got back, the light on my modem was red - the internet was dead...joy.
I think that maybe doing art for a living...at least for furries...could be a shitty idea for income. They look for porn....I try to dig up some personal meaning and have a little fun. They see the character....I see a collection of art techniques. They want it now....I want to shut out all the noise and get lost in what i'm doing.
Trying to stream when depressed has gotta be one of THE worst ways to handle it.
I don't want to wait for people to appreciate what I do. It's especially bad when streaming as opposed to working alone. It's double bad when you need to make money and everybody is clamoring to go somewhere else.
I keep looking for something to put my heart into. The irony is I've tried everything but drawing real art for myself. Instead it's like I go out there with a "show me I matter please" sticker on my forehead. And people WILL let you down every time. Their values..can't be your's. It's an empty feeling...really.
*sighs* I'm probably rambling now
*swallows some melatonin and crawls into bed*
6 years, 6 months ago
06 Jun 2012 06:55 CEST