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Silverlonewolf

Feeling extremely down...

I am feeling extremely suicidal. I am just tired of people hurting me.

Four years ago, my roommate, who I thought was a friend, just fucking used me. His name is Lahani. He promised to be there for me and I won't be alone. I wanted to take him places. At first we did, but he slowly became a fucking urchin. When I offer to go somewhere to hang out together, he rather stay in his room and play fucking games. And the next three and a half fucking years, I just been dealing with his grumpy attitude. When he wanted to move out I begged him not to.  Because of the covid thing, and I begged him not to as I would be alone. We got into a fight, and he wanted to move out right away. And the day before he moved out, we took him for lunch and we hugged. He changed him number and everything.  Won't talk to my mate and I, he changed every thing.

I fucking hate him now. I fucking hate him for leaving me like this.  

I am tired of good friends moving away, and I am stuck with the assholes. There is one fur that lives close to me, but he is a fucking fat asshole. He goes by Zaku.(https://www.furaffinity.net/user/zakufox) We kept getting into fights and it boils down to that he is pissed at me for choosing my current husband over him. The reason I do not like him because he places his ideals upon me and expects me to take up responsibilities for them. He does not understand I am not okay with that, and he sees me as a bad guy for not following him. Example. He helped me get a job, but he was telling people my sexuality. I am not okay with that. I go to work to work. I don't mix professionalism with personal life, because it almost always ends badly. Why jobs do not like employees getting into deep relationships with one another, if something where to happen it can impact the job. I try to explain this to him, but he think he is in the right and I am in the wrong. That I should be "Open" about my sexuality. When I refused he strongly hinted he will tell people anyways. I told my manager about this, and shown her the logs which he got written up for. Now he treats me like his enemy number one.

Also, I am getting mistreated so fucking badly. I do have anger issues, and mood swings. The problem is, it's not treatable. It takes tons of therapy. I have boarderline personality disorder. There are no fucking pills for it. I have to take years of therapy, and it was only recently discovered inside of me. I have got better at managing it, but when my emotions lash out, I become very verbal, loud and angry. My husband supports me and he understands and tries to get to the root why I am feeling angry or hurt.

But, others, treat me like I am a monster.

I got super pissed at a friend at a fur con 3 years ago. His name is Smugby Raccoon or Smugby
#1999 on Discord. He made all these promises to me, but never held up to them. He abandoned me a lot, and spent so much more time with someone else. And the person had autism. When we got into a fight I felt alone. I can tell he was defensive about his actions. Then he shouts in my face that the person has autism. I was shattered there. It's like he acknowledges the other person's disease, but not mine. And he knew what I've been through. He said pretty much says the reason he did not want to be with me because the other person is autistic. It eats me up every fucking day since he said that. It just amplified the anger in me so much. I wanted him to feel the pain I felt what he said to me. I said terrible things. I hate him. I still do.

As it repeats in my head even to this day, I draw closer to the conclusion he wanted to bond with the person to have a quick furry con nookie. So, he was willing to push me aside to satisfy his own urges.

I named the most dangerous tarantula I have in my collection after him. Smuby, the Cobalt Blue Tarantula. Because it is very venomous, defensice when there is no reason to be, and it cares for nothing but itself. I strongly feel he used that Autism excuse so he can take advantage of that person and have sex with them. Fucking hypocrite. He does not care about mental diseases. If he did he would not have treated me the way he did.

This is one of many times people do not see how my disease affects me. Instead of trying to understand, they push me away. I did not ask for this disease. I would give anything up to be cured from it. I've know nothing but pain for half of my life. I been abused, have PTSD, and the very first relationship I ever had was horrible.....

The person had charisma and lured me in. I was young and naive. He goes by Dive fox, but now goes by Raksin as a gray sergal fur. When I moved in he already got someone else. They main guy tried to make it a poly. They both abused me. Made me sleep outside the room during winter. And the home's interior was being redone. So, there was no drywall or insulation. I was cold, and was forced to keep warm under a pile of their dirty laundry to keep somewhat warm. They did not even give me a blanket or pillow.

The main guy would only come to me and show me affection just for fucking sex and I would allow him just to feel somewhat loved when in reality it is hollow as fuck. Then I got super sick from sleeping many nights in the cold. It did not help they passed the flu onto me, I was the last one to catch it as they recovered. Around this time the both of them got into a fight. The main guy decided to take me in and kick out the other guy. Force him to sleep on the floor though, not in the other room like they did to me.  I was so sick, I could barely move. At least I got a warm bed again to rest it off. So I thought. And the main guy advanced on me when I didn't want it. I was too weak to fight back. And he kept going and going until I am weakly begging him to stop, and he refuse to acknowledge my please. He did not stop until he was inside me and after he was satisfied. Words cannot describe how violated I feel that night. My dignity. My self worth. My humanity. Was taken away. The core of my heart was wounded, and its a wound that has healed but left a very nasty scar inside of me. The memories of that and his abusive nature is seared into my brain.

And my own father, beat the daylights out of me as far back as I can remember. I go to school wounded, limping, or bruised. And I blame it on other kids. Lied, because my mother begged me to. She felt she couldn't raise children alone while my father was in prison. So I lied. Pointed fingers at other children. Especially those I did not like that bullied me. Got them in worlds of trouble. All, I wanted was to be a normal kid. My father wouldn't even let me have that. At 11, he caught me playing with worms. Any normal boy played with creepy crawlies at one point. From insects to lizards and frogs. I was beaten for being normal.  At 12, I hid my bad grades as he would hurt me if I get any bad grade. Well he found them. He tied me up like an animal for the slaughter, binding my limbs.  Put a sock in my mouth,  and taped over that so I could not scream, and he went to town on me with everything... he... had. I thought I was going to die.  

What kind of parent would torment their child to the point the child is going to feel like they are going to die?

When it was over... I was bruised and had lumps all over. Sprains and I was limping, and it hurt all over just to move. It wasn't the only time I was tied up like this. I was this kind of treatment as far back as I can remember. And these are just the tips of the iceberg.

The reason I shined light on my past, is because not only it fucked me up. It haunts me. Especially. When. It. Gets. Quiet.

I use to drink and smoke pot heavily just to drown it out. My mate comes home sometimes seeing me high or drunk off my ass. I cleaned up a lot. Instead, I listen to music loudly in my car, not because I want to show off. It's to drown out the memories. And it's not just in my car. I listen to music, shows and movies loudly to drown it all out. I also play games a lot to help drown it all out of my head. Loud noises helps me a lot to keep it all out.

The only time I can feel safe in my head when it's quiet is when I am fishing, or walking in the woods. My uncles would take me on such trips and I would make very good memories. Fishing and hiking brings the good memories to light before me and I can find solace in the quietness.

But, for years and years, the bad memories that haunt me makes drawing, and doing art so very unpleasant. The memories, the pain, the suffering I've been through echoes in my head, every time  I try to put my nose to the grind stone and draw. Why I rarely put up artwork. I have to muscle past it to get something done. Sometimes, I have breakdown or two in the middle of it. The silence. It scares me, because I get overwhelmed by the memories of my very troubling past.

I am an artist. But I am so scared to pick up a pencil or a stylist pen. I do not want the memories flood back into my head. It's got to a point I rather be scorched by hot iron for a second than take the time to draw something.

I been in emotional anguish for 25 plus years now. I am tired of it all, the haunting memories. The abuse my parents put me through. The people I thought were friends hurting me. When I looked for love but instead got used and thrown away like a unwanted toy.
Then when people keep pushing me and exposing me to pain, loneliness, and frustration; I get angry at them and lash out. Then I get told "You're a monster." They won't recognize my disability and the turbulent emotional pain I've been through most of my life. To them, I am only a good person if I keep my emotions bottled up and in check as they keep hurting me. It's not fair.

They can hurt me but, I now allowed to express anger and frustration. They want me to keep it in check even though it is welling up inside of me.

I've tried to be calm and explain everything with good mannerism, but only they give me their deaf ears.

Its not fair. I feel I have to lash out by becoming loud and angry to get them to listen and understand. But, then they get scared of me. Intimidated. They call me a monster for doing that, yelling and letting my emotions out.

It's not fair. Why I feel suicidal. Why I want to kill myself because. I feel the world won't listen to my pain. It wants me to be civil, so it don't have to listen. I can cry, but tears never fixed anything. I want to yell. I want to scream. I want to injure my vocal cords again and again just to let my pain out.  I want to die, but I want to scream too. I rather scream and shout and yell than die... but the world won't let me be loud, and everyday I feel forced to choose die.
The people that hurt me. Hurt others. Hurt people. Do not want to acknowledge their wrong doings. The do not want to even think about the pain they put onto others.... Why desperate people resort to lashing out. Sometimes people can't handle it anymore, and screaming won't help them no more. So they resort to drastic measures. Self harm. destruction. Murder. Suicide. All because we are given nothing but deaf ears as the people that wronged us refuse to look back and try and fix the damage they have done.

I have a disease that makes my emotions unstable, and I am doing my best to control it.  I cannot keep it bottled in if people keep doing wrong things to me. No... Even a normal person would eventually shout and scream if they are put through what I've been put through.  

No... I am not the monster here. They are. They make me seem like the bad person, so they do not feel guilty on how they've treated me.

Those who I thought were friends. My parents. The first love of my life. They are the monsters. They mistreated me first. Hurt me. Scarred me for life. A good person wouldn't do that. So, if a person does something bad to them that it earned the title of monster. Then the people that hurt me earned it fully. They wear it so proudly through their ignorance as if a crown. Their throne is made from the people they've broken.

Still I feel suicidal. I do not want to die. However, the urge in me is so strong. It will take a long time to be somewhat stable from this.
Viewed: 48 times
Added: 3 years, 3 months ago
 
Darkinian
3 years, 3 months ago
Hugs*
Please first take deep breaths for be able to calm a bit. I totally understand the pain when people you know hurt you so much. Dont let your emotions control you. Lets talk by PM.
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