I wasn't sure whether to do this or not, but in the end I decided I'm going to. I want to try speaking sincerely about certain things, beyond the momentary rage of a vent journal caused by some event sending me down a mental spiral. I'm aware it's been increasingly obvious over the past years that I have serious issues with certain worldly elements, particularly ones surrounding authority. I've slipped my tongue during recent episodes of stress-rage and offered one detail: A great part of what led to this are things that happened in my life between 15 to 20 years ago. The important ones are things I never fully discuss, neither online nor offline... I touch on them at the surface with beings I know well but that's mostly it. I'm not about to discuss those here either, only some abstract background elements.
To start off: I'm sure the first logical question on most readers minds is why I stay silent on something that traumatized me to this fucking extent. The short answer is: It ties in to things that 99% of people would be unable to understand or take them for what they are. There are at least two separate but interconnected issues... one of which the vast majority simply couldn't comprehend at this early date, the other which the even vaster majority wouldn't understand and also comes into conflict with today's culture. Even if I found the best way to word it out, which would itself be a hurdle, there are only two possible outcomes: The best scenario is part of my situation being understood and getting an "I guess I can see that but yeah I dunno lol" response, the worst is people making dumb associations as they know best and concluding I'm an evil monster bringing mayhem to the world. Truth be told it's hard to even imagine what life would be like after everyone knowing some truths: What would it be like not having to hide, not feeding off the energy of thinking the world secretly hates me, not having the comfort of feeling as this lone hero of a distant culture undercover among alien humans and laughing that they can't catch me and figure me out? Even that thought is too new and weird to handle.
Long ago when certain things happened, I did in fact try speaking out. As I did so at the time my naive teenager self thought "I'll just explain to the world why its train of thought is wrong and harmful, they'll understand, surely they just didn't notice because some things only harmed me more than others". The last sentence of that idea was definitely true... the rest not by far. The two reactions I was met with were being laughed at, as well as being myself accused for what happened to me by those responsible of actually doing it... to say I saw was zero understanding is an understatement. Nowadays, whenever I attack authority and feel I managed to make the powerful suffer, my brain looks back to the people who laughed then and asks them "who's laughing now bitch".
At the time I assumed this would only hurt me momentarily; For several years I figured I'll soon put the bad memory in the back of my mind and that's it. Unfortunately this had a stronger effect on me than I predicted, which I've only grown to fully grasp in the more recent years. It built an unstoppable destructive rage that comes up whenever I see a train of thought associated with the events that took place. Much of it is fueled by the fact that at the time, I imagined those issues would be long understood and resolved by the year 2020... I never imagined that today society wouldn't only be completely oblivious of them, but doing those exact mistakes even worse and more fiercely than they did back then! I'm at the point where I feel I've been backstabbed 1000 times, have zero ability to connect with the world around me, and see silent enemies in everyone... I think there's no excuse for things reaching this point, but must accept we live in a world that's far more ignorant from what all the modern technology may mislead one to think.
Anyway it's no secret that the target of my rage is unjustified authority and the culture that supports it; I burn with hellfire to see governments collapse, people in powerful positions on their knees, and most importantly justice against fake experts weaponizing logic and science into a tool of controlling society and people's minds. In the past this used to be an internal rage I kept within, just posting vent journals and moving on. Recently however it's getting difficult to bottle it all up as neatly; I'm concerned it's reaching the point where there may be more serious consequences to it.
This concern materialized last year when I went into an all out culture war on Twitter. I don't wish to dive into the specifics of what happened here please, but I'll settle for saying I stomped my boots into very sensitive subjects in a "fuck you all" fit. I caused such uproar that it made beings close to me concerned of getting attacked for being my friends or relatives. Eventually Twitter permanently banned me for unrelated reasons (misusing hashtags of all things) which was a blessing as I could finally get away from it all and decided to avoid getting into fights again. I thought that would be the end of it and I'd find peace by avoiding certain arguments, especially after starting a new treatment following my suicide attempt which is greatly helping with my depression right now.
Unfortunately it wasn't going to be like that: The Coronavirus pandemic struck a few months later, which didn't concern me at first since I knew the virus wouldn't affect me and thought the social measures would strike elsewhere. I realized this wasn't true once the lockdown trend came to my country followed by people now getting forced to wear face masks. This once more brought up my paranoia of authority and being forced to do things by governments... hell was raised once more: A week ago I recklessly went to the anti lockdown protest in my city to scream at the government building... this was met with waves of critique from everybody (see my previous journals for that discussion) which further fueled my "nobody gets me and the mainstream brainwashed everyone" sentiment. Several close beings had to take a break from talking with me because my fighting energy is so strong it was overwhelming them. At the moment I'm concerned whether I'll be able to even prolong my treatment against this, as visiting the clinic requires using mass transit which requires wearing those stupid masks which I refuse to because I'd rather die than let the government make me do what it wants any more! I'm planning to call my doctor today and ask if I can have this month's session online, or at worst ask my mother to go to the clinic and pick up the recipe for me. Yes... all that just so I won't do what authority says, even if I don't practically care about having that damn mask on my face, only because I refuse to let them make me live how they want any more. If I had to enter the subway with a mask forced on me, I likely couldn't help myself yelling stuff like "down with the government who muzzled us" and would rather not risk getting into a fight over it. I've already ruined / improved my facemask by writing "death to governments" on it in red marker... yesterday I hung it in front of my window for everyone in the street to see, no rocks were thrown at my window thus far.
I don't wish to discuss the COVID-19 related aspects again and argue over the deadliness of the virus or how necessary the measures were; I only want to put this piece of my truth out there. In part so someone hears the things they can hear, in part because I felt I owe it to all friends who've seen my rants and probably been like "what on Earth happened to this person". Judging from a purely technical definition, what I have seems to be a form of PTSD... I know that term doesn't bode well considering people are used to it in relation to soldiers who returned from the battlefield and such. It's weird how I'm normally able to judge everything calmly rationally and objectively, yet when something sends me down a spiral my entire mindset changes for several few hours till things calm down, often followed by suddenly going relaxed even into a mental downtime. It's been this way for years yet I haven't found a working way to manage it... and before anyone suggests "seeking help", remember this involves things I refuse to speak of out of fear that society will wash my identity and try to convert me, plus I don't trust healthcare workers that much in general. I find it very odd that even now as I type this, my mind gets glimpses of feeling okay as if I'm doing the right thing... this some frigging weird stuff I tell you.
So what is the ultimate solution? Personally I feel there's only one thing that would truly close this wound: Society finally acknowledging the wrongs it did to me and others like me. I'm not expecting the world to hold hands and form a circle chanting an apology, that's obviously never going to happen; Understanding that their vision on certain things is wrong and stopping the overreactions would suffice. But if in 20 years that's only gotten worse instead of better, that hope remains far away. I'm still looking for the silver bullet the could let put it all behind... make me believe I'm with this world rather than against it, make me understand I'm in the same boat as everyone rather than the diver on a mission to sabotage and sink said boat, make me able to know what this magical life where you can trust the world feels like. Having all this written out might be a start, I'm actually very curious what replies I'll get. I sense I'm on the edge of a transition, but leaving behind a view that's been builtin to the biology of my brain for a lifetime is a mountain I don't see how I'll manage to climb... only time will tell how things are meant to go, though I believe the fates have their plan one way or another.
