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"life" & Covid stuff - Further updates

by SALTORII

Like I indicated prior, things have been hectic. But I had to leave my job after health concerns for my pre-existing condition & elderly family members.
((They are NOT dealing with it well in the UK!))

I was previously working in care, and while it is gurgling work, I genuinely enjoyed it, up until the recent months. My previous co-workers were lovely, the people I cared for were all individual people with colourful lives. It became more than just a job.

I can't reveal much about them, but suffice to say a few people I was working with, good people, people I liked, passed away suddenly. I feel naive that I didn't expect this walking into the job, but at the same time, it isn't the norm. I was not working somewhere that constant sudden death was expected, I did not sign up for this. And I still feel incredibly guilty leaving my position, even if my doctors told me to. I don't really believe I can fully put it behind me. I still feel fond regard to the people at my work. I still remember them, and I can't bear the knowledge that in the time I've left, more have passed away.
It's unbearably tragic that this became the norm for myself and my co-workers.

I can't detail it, but there was a particularly tragic case involving poor management and my coworker, while it shook me to my core it was also hard to know how to react. What do you even do in these situations? This is the kind of situation war poetry is written about, except none of us were drafted, none of us signed up for this.

I and all my coworkers were minimum wage workers, struggling to get by, paycheck to paycheck, supporting families... and yet within less than a month we were suddenly on these manufactured "front lines". I'm not saying essential workers - because it really was essential we went in - should be able to strike and just stop working. None of us even wanted to, the nature of that work has a deep empathetic passion for people that don't stop. A sense of strong responsibility.

I'm just rambling about how vile it feels to me that none of my coworker's lives are valued higher than minimum wage work.
Can you imagine? You're risking not only your life, the lives of those at work, the lives of your family, of strangers on the way home. You're risking that for £8.20 an hour.
I'm sure some of you may be in that position too.
I do believe the narrative of "front lines" for essential workers is how it feels to be working there, and yet I cannot shake the feeling that if the Government valued those workers they'd have a livable wage. That they perpetuate this narrative while propping up faux hospitals that cannot treat anyone for the sake of statistics, spend money on those fake hospitals while their nurses struggle to eat. To numb us to their future death.

A nurse came into work one day and said: "Don't worry, if it [Covid-19] was in the building, they'd [the residents] would all be dead by now."
Another day we were told to use plastic aprons as face masks because we didn't have any.
No one inside or outside could get tested, no one's getting tested. We had to treat people on a hunch.

I've dealt with death a lot in my life before this, but this wasn't normal. I don't know how you're meant to react, how you're meant to remember how to feel and grieve, a process that takes weeks, in one minute, and return to work.
Death was always looming, but I do not know how to explain how this is different. I signed up for the possibility of dealing with death somewhere down the line, maybe one, maybe two, within a year. Not to lose 4 people in less than a week.

After quitting I needed some time to recover mentally, which resulted in me just shutting off and doing my own thing for a while. I couldn't stomach drawing what I usually draw with this looming on me, I just couldn't think of anything sexual for a long time. The thought was disgusting, but more so it felt disrespectful.
I apologize for that.

I still do not know how to feel.
There's a war poem, that has been my favorite poem since I heard it more than 10 years ago. It made me sympathize to peak into and try and understand the position of a soldier in World War I. It fueled my imaginative sympathy, but I could never fully relate to it.

"	All's a tangle. Here's my job. A man might rave, or shout, or sob; And God He takes no sort of heed. This is a bloody mess indeed.

- The Target, Ivor Gurney

I suppose there's now a somber silver-lining that now, I understand it, I deeply resonate with those words. Those are words I feel now, not words I hypothesize.

Viewed:	55 times
Added:	3 years, 11 months ago 12 May 2020 04:05 CEST

9 Comments on this Journal

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ParadoxTheory

3 years, 11 months ago

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I'm so sorry that you had to to endure all of this. *offers hug*

SALTORII

3 years, 10 months ago

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@ ParadoxTheory

thank you, and sorry for the late reply, kinda had to ignore this journal for a week LOL. it's getting better, we all just have to support eachother in these times.

ParadoxTheory

3 years, 10 months ago

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@ SALTORII

You're right. This is truly a dark point in our world's history. At this moment, our differences shouldn't matter. If we as a species are to get through this, sticking together (Not literally) and helping each other is the best way to do that.

FosterLightdweller

3 years, 11 months ago

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I really feel bad of what you've been through during this pandemic. =c
I hope you'll be okay.

SALTORII

3 years, 10 months ago

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@ FosterLightdweller

sadly i dont think my situation is that unique. i hope everyone is doing ok.

Shadowwalk

3 years, 11 months ago

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Best wishes to you and those around you

SALTORII

3 years, 10 months ago

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@ Shadowwalk

thanks, you too.

ironleopardstudios

3 years, 11 months ago

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Edited 3 years, 11 months ago by Owner

covid19 ruins anything like comic-con and sxsw and i thank the emergency services and the national gaurd and for the respond and saving lifes in america

SALTORII

3 years, 10 months ago

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@ ironleopardstudios

i cant comment on America, it seems awful there but statistically, i think we're doing it worse. im too disillusioned to give any government credit right now.

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