Lately I've come to the realization that I'm a master of doing the opposite of what I say I'm going to do. This has to do with a few personal issues that I'm trying to get help for. Last journal, I briefly talked about just art and work, but there's a lot more to it. I've tried to brush off these mental problems for the sake of my art, trying to convince myself that I'm not as bad as others and that I'd only be taking away support from those who actually need it. I believed that simply ignoring the problems under my online persona would make them go away. To find out how well that went, read the first sentence of this paragraph again.
So the bomb-porn guy has a few screws loose. (Act shocked.) The main offender is my anxiety. I become easily overwhelmed with things the more I feel pushed into doing it. Whether it's pressure I put on myself or something a number of people tell me they want. Commissions, requests, raffles, streams, events, participating in communities, and just talking to people all fall into this category. I have messages in multiple inboxes from multiple sources that I'm just ignoring because I feel a huge sense of crippling dread at the thought. So apologies to those people; it's not you, it's me.
This makes me feel like a failure. I assume this is all normal and all other artists must know how to handle this better than I do, but I can't. I also can't go back on all the things I've said because it wouldn't be fair for the people waiting. And believe me, I still remember everything I've promised.
I've been thinking about how to make this journal for a long time. There's a bunch more I could say except I don't know how to express it, especially with my job and real life. I'm trying to get help, so here's hoping. I don't know exactly what I'm going to do in the meantime in terms of posting and whatnot, but the silence in communications is going to continue.
Thank you for reading and understanding.
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4 years, 2 months ago
15 Feb 2020 21:20 CET
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