I think I'm at my wit's end, I'm just sick and tired of my direct family's ignorance, the rest of my family seem to actually have good heads on their shoulders, but for whatever reason, the household which I come from, my mom my dad and my sister, all seem to be the stupidest people I could have been stuck with. This has been going on for a while, but these most recent shootings have really pushed me to my breaking point I think, I don't understand how they can continue to support the very people causing these things to happen. They just keep defending him, keep making excuses for him, they deny he had anything to do with it despite the El Paso shooter's manifesto echoing his very rhetoric, and coming up with lame statements "oh well we all make mistakes, but we should still respect him as our president and authority figure, I'm sure we would make mistakes if we were int he same situation". First of all, these aren't mistakes, they're intentional, he's made his intentions QUITE clear, and no, that speech he made doesn't mean anything, he's obviously only saying what he HAS to say but there's no heart behind it, there's no meaning to his words, and it's so obvious why can't they see it it's so fucking obvious!
but I can't explain that to them, they just won't listen to me! I can't correct them on anything! I don't know why but I tried with my sister, I actually got into a somewhat heated argument with her, and she didn't even argue any of the points I was trying to make, all she did was deflect everything back onto me! Instead of acknowledging anything I had to say, all she did was tell me that I'm "falling away from God" Like she didn't even try to refute anything I said because she was only interested in telling me how "far I've strayed from The Lord" and then throwing Bible verses at me. Yea I might have said some hurtful things that I probably shouldn't have, I'm not afraid to admit my own faults, but I'm just so sick of this shit, I'm just so angry at these things that keep happening, and no one in my family willing to call out the evil that's right in front of them. "the devil is a liar, Nic" yea I know, and you're the one being lied to you just don't see it! Doesn't the Bible warn about false prophets and wolves in sheep's clothing? and yet she claims to have "wisdom" by "trusting in The Lord", but who are you to say you have wisdom? who can really tell you that? yourself? so you're just claiming you have wisdom because you think you do and because you think you have wisdom that just makes you automatically right? yea ok. When my sister WAS finally willing to actually argue the topic that started the whole thing, all she did was screenshot some article she read saying that the shooter said he didn't do it because of Trump, rather he was "triggered by Democrats saying they'd give illegal immigrants free healthcare", which is a whole other can of worms I don't feel like getting into, but like... is that supposed to make it any better? how does this help your side at all? it's still about racism, racism incited by the president, like.. what is this supposed to tell me? are you taking the shooter's side or something? like.. what? I ended up blocking her
Meanwhile, my mom's over here STILL complaining about Kappernick, like.. seriously? you're still going on about that? after how long? Also, how can you not get that they aren't disrespecting the flag, but rather protesting police brutality? not only that, but you bring that back up NOW right after these shootings caused my intense racism and white supremacy? and you think now is a good time to dog on people who are only protesting police brutality primarily targeted towards people of color? what the actual fuck is wrong with you? of course she tries to defend it by, again, throwing religion into it, "oh well i just think if you're gonna kneel you should pray, like Tim Tebow does" fuck off, mom. Not everything has to be about Christianity you know.
Ah yes, and that of course brings me to my dad. My dad eat, breaths, sleeps Christianity, it's all he seems capable of talking about. I can't even get any fatherly advice from him or anything because each time I come to him with an issue I'm having, all he can tell me is "well have you spoken to The Lord?" "perhaps you should speak to God about it" "have you tried praying?" Yea real helpful dad, thanks for nothing, I came to you because I wanted actual human advice, from my actual human father. And I can't even try to argue with him about anything, if I were to even try to correct anything misinformed he says, he just shouts and shuts me down saying "OK LET'S JUST CHANGE THE SUBJECT, I want to be happy, let's all just be happy, ok? let's not talk about it". So every time I see him I just have to not bring anything even mildly controversial up and pretend to be happy as to not upset him. Actually it's not just him I have to pretend around either, I have to do it with all 3 of them, when my mom's all "Oooooh my little boy, you'll always be my handsome little boy" and my sister's all "Awwwww my baby brother! I missed you!" I have to pretend like all the problems I have with them just don't exist because I don't want to get into a fight with them, though I am a little more confident with bringing things up with them than I am my dad, as the don't just immediately shut me down. But I'm sick of pretending, I wish I didn't have to act around my own family.
Honestly I'm just tired of living in this world, too, where these things continue to happen, then them people like my own fucking family just want to ignore it and pretend everything is ok when it is clearly not, and make excuses for the ones causing the issues too, I'm tired of it, I don't want to keep going in this fucked up world if everything keeps going down like this and nothing changes. If I can be honest, I've actually been feeling pretty suicidal, but you know what? Even if I did go through with that, I'm sure they'd find a way to spin it like "the devil had been warping his brain, and caused him to do this" and deflect all responsibility that they were in part to blame for what happened, Or maybe they'd say I was manipulated by "far left extremists" or something, I dunno, but it's wouldn't be so far off, my mom is already accusing me of being manipulated by my friends, all because I started thinking for myself and stopped being their "perfect little Christian boy". I still consider myself a Christian, mind you, all that's different is that I believe Jesus's message was about love and acceptance and kindness, "love they neighbor" and all that, and that's what I do, even those the church condemns as "sinners" such as the LGBT community and all that, but apparently they don't see it like that. My mom even recently posted something on Facebook that read along the lines of "manipulating a child into hating their parents is one of the most egregious things you can do" and this is of course after we'd had a few disagreements, but no mom, I'm not being manipulated into hating you, I hate you because you're an idiot
Eh... but honestly that's the tricky thing, DO I hate them? like do I actually hate them? I mean, they've never technically done anything bad, and they've always treated me well for the most part, they're always there when I need them, well... maybe not for advice like I'd stated, but my dad helps me with issues with my car all the time, and loans me money when I'm in a bind, despite being extremely pressed for cash as well, my mom does my laundry for me, and helps me with taxes. Even my sister sends me cute animal pictures she finds because she knows I love animals. I don't want to sound ungrateful, I'm very grateful for everything they've done for me over the years, extremely grateful. But.. I can't just.... stand by while they continue thinking these harmful things, can I? I mean... maybe this just seems trivial, yea? getting so worked up by a difference in political opinions? but people's lives are on the line, you know? this isn't something you can just take lightly anymore, there are serious consequences for these lines of thinking! People are dying and they're dying fast! and don't even get me started on climate change, if something about that doesn't change fast, literally nothing else will matter because everyone will be dead anyway.
I just... I don't know, I'm at a loss, I feel like I'm being torn between two sides of myself, one part of me that loves and adores and appreciates my family, and another side that absolutely hates my family and wishes to cut them out of my life forever. but I don't want to hate my family, I want to love them, they're my family after all! and they aren't bad people, they're helpers even! they do a lot of good things for a lot of people, including me! But I can't stand how they think, and it's driving me nuts! it makes me wish I was born into maybe one of my other relative's family's so I wouldn't have to deal with them so often
right now I have them all blocked on social media (except my dad but there's no point as he never uses it anyway, and there's no arguing with him even if he did), after having said some.. not so nice things to them, because I reached my breaking point and I just... wanted to lash out after keeping myself contained for so long. Part of me wants to reconcile with them, and be on good terms again... and another part... just wants to move far far away, and never speak to them ever again, although I can't really afford that option, but it would be nice.
I just wish I knew that to do
