For a while, it seemed my emotions were dominated by the negative energies of life. Anger, frustration, jealousy, heartbreak... It was hard to overcome them and focus on what was good in my life.
But now, as if to counteract that, my heart has shut down, and I've entered a sort of "guarded" state. My capacity for feeling emotion has been severely restricted. The negativity that consumed me is gone, but so are all the positive emotions I was able to feel. It's hard to explain.
Here's an example of what I mean. For anyone who's seen "Grave of the Fireflies," you know it's a heart-wrenching tearjerker. I watched it for the first time last night and was barely moved at all. It's not like I didn't understand the situation was horrible. I just felt very little in the way of sympathy or sadness.
I've been musing whether or not this state is actually better than the way it used to be. I might have been frustrated and crass, but I also had a sense of humor and enjoyment. It's hard to decide. This doesn't seem like a bad way to be, really.
I'm sure things will return to normal eventually. Maybe. Or whatever approximation of normal exists for me. Time will tell, I suppose.
6 years, 4 months ago
11 Apr 2012 20:22 CEST