Hey. Not sure if you are interested, but I think it helps to write about it.
Received a bit of bad news yesterday. Apparently my father is dying.
I haven't had contact with him in almost six or even seven years because I grew up in a pretty messed-up family and after years and years of trying to get him to accept me / like me / love me / be happy for me, he finally managed to betray me so thoroughly, that I crawled away. That final clash with my father was in 2011. As a result I was kicked out of my father's side of the family and blamed pretty much for everything bad that happened.
What was it? A triviality, really. A power-game between me and the tyrant in my family that mostly took over my upbringing when I was a kid, and me. She wanted to keep me meek and follow her every bidding. Wanted me to be different. Better, nicer, different, catholic. Perfect. Has been like that ever since I was born. And since she failed, she pretty much vented her frustration on me. Made me feel worthless, costly, a pain in the ass to everyone and such an utter nuisance, that I thought the world was better off without me and wanted to commit suicide when I was about 8 years old.
Have been pondering that since then on a regular basis, but struggled on, because I was convinced that I "owed them", to somehow "pay them back".
Who was that tyrant? My Grandmother on my father's side. So, his mom, actually.
In 2011, while I was still in school, my father had an aneurysm and I basically dropped out of school for 6 weeks in my final year to care for him and show him that I care. To help him get back on his feet.
It didn't work. He, my tyrant and I clashed so heftily, that I finally was ready to detach myself from them. Not gloriously, mind you. I actually crawled out with my family on my father's side threatening to do horrible things to me. They never did, but I broke contact, feeling guilty still.
Took me years to deal with that shit and I am still not quite sure I am through with it.
Yesterday I received the first news for a long time. Like I said, my father is dying. I am not sure how to feel about this.
I am sad, obviously. I think, that in his own way, he sort of liked me, I guess. We had a few events where we had good times. And a few times he actually made me feel like he did like me, like he cared about my opinion. Most times he was glad to be rid of me, to have his piece and be alone. When I needed him most (in the clash with my Tyrant), he sided with the Tyrant, insisting, that I have to yield, because my Tyrant is older and knows better. Guess it is the way he was brought up and he never resisted against it. I think he just crumbled under his mother and thought it was easier to side with her than me. Because that is what he has done as long as I can think back: When there is a problem, side with the Tyrant. No matter who it was or what it was.
I don't know what to do now. I live about six hours away from my father and five away from that toxic side of the family. I tried to call yesterday and talk to him, but the nurse did not put me through. I think someone has pulled the strings to forbid contact.
The safest bit is probably to stay away, because there is nothing but pain ahead. But probably as the only child I will have to make funeral arrangements, when the time comes. That means facing the toxic part of the family. Hopefully for the last time.
Like I said: mixed feelings. Probably not going up there to protect myself, feeling bad about it at the same time. Feeling a bit like Simba, who ran away for so long, until something of his past has caught up with him and now he has to make a decision.
Well that was it. Not sure if sharing this is a good idea because it is rather dark and may ruin your day. Apologies if it does. I just needed to write it down.
Feels also good to have someone that was interested in my scribbling so far. Thank you guys. Means a lot.
3 years, 9 months ago
15 Feb 2019 10:32 CET