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Rakuen reviews: The Human Centipede

So I went into this movie knowing it was supposed to be all disgusting and stuff but decided it would be okay. The idea holds some weird merit and could be kinda cool, though certainly not for everyone. Plot spoiler ahead. The Human Centipede is a horror movie about a German surgeon who kidnaps a bunch of tourists and then surgical joins three of them, mouth to anus, to make a human centipede.

I always would have thought horror is about scaring people, build up the atmosphere and then throw out a surprise. This movie is not scary. The first half plays like some twisted porno and the second half as though the director wanted to do his best to disgust people. There are pretty much no redeeming features to the movie. It is dull, boring and badly done. It's also the biggest meeting place of characters who make stupid decisions I've ever seen.

The two girls get a flat tire in a foreign country and they don't speak the language. Out of options:

(A) stay put in the car and wait for help

(B) Change the tire through trial and error

(C) Drive on anyway, a tire can be fixed

(D) Wander aimlessly for help when you are already lost

They chose D. Furthermore instead of following the road they decided to wander aimlessly, in the dark, through a forest. That kind of stupid decision making just astounds me.

Then there is a pathetic escape attempt where instead of going for help the one girl goes back into the house and tries to drag her unconscious friend along.

There's the Japanese guy, my favourite, who commits suicide when they are about to be saved.

There's the doctor who stays in the house when he knows the police are on to him and coming to investigate.

And lastly there's the police officers who split up in a crazy's house. The first officer, who has a gun, gets killed by the injured doctor who has a scalpel and can now only crawl. That has to have been due to a stupid decision. The other officer sees his dead partner, runs to him and completely forgets to check the room for the man who killed him! Yes they both die. In fact 6/8 characters in the movie die and one survivor is only in one scene anyway.

The American girls speak in English, the doctor in either German or English, the police officers in German and the Japanese guy in Japanese. In such a movie subtitles are important. The subtitles I had also seemed to think it important to add information like 'ominous music'. I'm guessing that's for deaf people but it sure doesn't help build tension. As it is the music is barely there and the dialogue is laughable. As no one understands Japanese all those lines are shouting and ranting that doesn't really need translation. The doctor says nothing useful and when he does it is boring anyway. The girls talk in the beginning but after surgery do nothing but whimper and cry, and if you don't appreciate the sound of sobbing you might as well watch on mute because that's all you'll hear.

I would go on but I think you get the picture. No matter what part of the movie you mention it probably sucked.

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Added: 8 years, 7 months ago
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