As the title states, I seriously hate myself sometimes, well technically most times, and I shall explain.
As I've stated in previous journals (to anyone that actually reads them that is), I clearly have "issues" is probably the best way of putting it. I honestly don't know how else to put that so I'll just list off a bunch of things that I hate about myself.
Quick disclaimer: Do not, I repeat DO NOT, think you need to reply or comment to say things like "It's not that bad" or "Things will get better" or anything like that. Do not try to make me feel better, as trust me I already know these things but a part of me just seems to like repeating itself and I don't know why.
Anyway, on to the list:
- I suffered from a severe concussion back in 2012, one that caused me to be unconscious for at least a couple hours before I got any medical attention. This was during an overnight shift at a previous job to which made the whole situation worse by refusing to pay any medical bills from the accident. I had to sue for Worker's Compensation, which sadly took months and the lawyer I got ended up sending some understudy (or whatever) to the actual date to be in court, which caught me so off guard that I nearly lost the case entirely, and I was encouraged to just settle instead which didn't give me anything other than basically the bills by itself paid for. However, since this incident, my short-term memory is nearly non-existent which sadly wasn't found out until AFTER the whole case (which I can't pursue because of it) and makes concentration especially hard as well. With the memory, I have been found to often repeat myself in mid-conversation with no memory of having said something before. I learned that I was constantly repeating myself or doing something over and over because I forgot having done so previously. This showed that my short-term memory was damaged and following tests proved that to be true. While it's not nearly as bad as it could potentially be (if anyone has seen 50 First Dates), but it still makes it even more difficult for me to keep a job nowadays. This memory issue has caused me actual distress because I've been screamed at both online and offline for repeating myself when I can't help this. I even got banned from a Discord server because they assumed I was just causing drama when I clearly had no memory of what they were talking about but they wouldn't hear me out. I have to keep a small notebook with me to write down what I've said (which I don't always remember to write in) just to try and help me from repeating myself or completely forgetting a conversation.
- Back around 2003 or 2004 (I just remember being around 19 or 20), I had someone approach me online through e-mail that they liked my AOL profile. Anyway, that eventually led to a sort of online relationship, which to this day I'm not sure I should actually count. I sent them gifts, they sent me things as well, we talked on the phone a few times, but we never met in person, and yet it lasted two or three years. The end of it was sort of weird, I don't recall 100% what happened but it basically caused me to realize that I was not a straight cisgendered male as I had originally thought. The main reason the "relationship" never ended up in person was due to my disgust for any physical contact. This was something I was already aware of ever since I was a child where my mom would sort of tease me that whenever someone touched me I'd end up crying. It was only after the "relationship" ended that I began to look into why I was like that (and still am honestly). What I found was that as long as I saw myself as the physical male that I was born as, the very idea of anyone touching me, including myself, disgusted me to such an extent that I would literally get nauseated. The "ex" convinced me to try imagining myself female, and I realized I felt FAR more comfortable that way, the idea of having a female body made me actually imagine allowing someone to touch me if nothing else but out of curiosity. I began to do some research and from what I found it appeared that I had an extreme case of Gender Dysphoria that made one disgusted with their body to such an extreme. However, I have yet to actually do anything to try and alleviate this, let alone find out if my research is correct. I have since resigned to living a single life where I don't let a single person touch me, and I've succeeded in that for now 35 years of my life. It's not too hard for me either as I have never gotten sexually aroused, never been kissed (if not obvious), and probably more obviously a total virgin, but I'm not bothered by that at all.
- Perhaps due to the previous statement, I have since gained a lot of weight and currently weigh somewhere over 300lbs. I have recently tried to eat healthier, but the fact that I don't exercise and usually only eat one meal a day does NOT seem to be helping either. The main reason I don't exercise is two parts, lack of motivation and body pain. When I could afford to go to the gym I felt far more motivated in the gym environment and would usually work through the pain. Due to my weight, I've since suffered more and more pain to my back, hips, knees, and ankles. I feel I'm just in a downward spiral here however that I'm trying to dig myself out of but for some reason am only making things worse for myself. I know that also limiting myself to one meal a day isn't helping either as my body seems to feel like I'm starving it and thus my metabolism has slowed down drastically to conserve what food it gets. I just honestly can't think of what to eat most of the time, however, which doesn't help coupled with a food allergy to bulb vegetables (onions, garlic, shallot, etc.) as well as severe sensitivity to egg proteins. Due to my allergy, it has made purchasing any pre-packaged foods nearly impossible as most contain some form of onion or garlic. Instead, I find myself having to make most food from scratch which I feel takes far too long to do most times and is the reason why I typically end up with only one meal a day.
- I now haven't worked for nearly two years (April 1, 2017, was when I was fired from my last job) and I honestly don't feel like I can work again. Especially with the whole memory issue I've mentioned above, along with the pain I experience now due to being overweight, I am uncertain if I could find any job that would actually be at least a little bit understanding, as in my previous experience none of my past jobs actually cared about their employees. I've gotten several phone calls, which I learned were spam, advertising a whole work from home kind of thing, claiming to be with Amazon. I was skeptical and looked it up of course and learned that it was a massive scam which kind of sucks. Due to the fact that I have no other experience apart from retail and fast food, it's highly unlikely I'd qualify for any work from home job anyway. A huge hindrance to my actually getting a job as well is due to the fact that I have worked at most of the places in the immediate area that I live and can actually walk to. The lack of a driver's license or any form of public transit apart from calling a cab also doesn't help to get places. I'm not about to spend money on a cab to go place to place just to fill out a job application, only to risk not even hearing from them, as that could get very expensive. Job applications have also become worse, in my opinion, because I can't remember what pay I started and ended with, or when I started or ended working at most of my jobs. Sadly many applications I've come across as for this and I haven't a clue what to put down. Then there are 'references' to which I have none, where do people even get those? I have no friends, and anyone I previously worked with I don't have there contact information, how would I even get that unless I knew them more personally? I feel job applications are hugely flawed in this regard, especially since online involves some keyword searches to even have your application looked at. I feel I'm just screwed in this situation like I seriously doubt I'll ever find employment outside of minimum wage, which means I'll end up living with my mom until she passes and then I'll end up homeless because minimum wage can't buy any place to live.
