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MystBunny

How important is sex to a relationship?

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This is a debate that I think has probably been going on from the beginning of the concept of marriage. It is true that the health of a relationship is tied pretty closely to the health of a couple's sex life, but is that a problem, or a symptom of a bigger problem?

Having experienced this phenomenon from several different perspectives and angles, I'm pretty certain I know the answer to this.

I think the problem is almost 100% due to standardized exclusivity.

Pretty much every sitcom I have ever watched has had a rather large percentage of their episodes dedicated to how closely sex is tied to an exclusive relationship. It's actually the main reason I stopped watching them. Everywhere you look, nearly every movie and show on TV has stories and arcs centered around exclusive relationships. You very very rarely see anything different. Exclusivity is also very closely tied to religion, which makes me wonder just why so many atheists and agnostics still commit to it. Generations of family values, perhaps?

Sadly these conversations almost never happen on a popular platform, mainly due to censorship, but also because this world is maddeningly just.. so.. sexually.. repressed.

A lot of exclusive couples might tell you that sex either isn't, or shouldn't be an important part of a relationship, but the thing is, when your sex life is decidedly exclusive, you're kinda making it more important by design. So I think when we ask "How important is sex to a relationship?" that's really the wrong question to ask. A better question is "Why are we making it that way?" If you truly believe that you can have love without sex, then why is it so important to tie it TO love?
Viewed: 113 times
Added: 5 years, 4 months ago
 
43 Comments on this Journal
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peanuts
peanuts
5 years, 4 months ago
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I used to think that a sexual relationship was seriously important to a relationship and that’s how I was trying to approach getting a boyfriend, but as soon as I found a healthy and fulfilling relationship I stopped being sexual at all. When there’s chemistry I’ll still be sexual but that ‘need’ has totally vanished and I think that’s a healthy thing.

I’m not saying that all relationships should be the same way, but a need for sex can get in the way of searching for a real connection and it’s a good idea to tune out your libido when you’re looking for something more serious and fulfilling.

Probably worth mentioning that my current relationship is polyamorous and I’ve got 2 boyfriends, plus it’s an open relationship. I’m not saying it weighs into it, but monogamy and closed relationships aren’t for everyone and people could stand to explore that.
MarcusKoopa
MarcusKoopa
5 years, 4 months ago
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Just be safe, bunny. You can never be too careful these days.
MystBunny
MystBunny
5 years, 4 months ago
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I agree with some of this, but if you do have a need for sex, then having unrestricted sexual activity before entering into a relationship as well as during can also eliminate sex as a factor in looking for a relationship, especially if you know that relationship is going to be non-exclusive. In that way, sex can be a non-factor as well. I'm also not saying that monogamy isn't good for some couples, but I am saying I think that should be the exception, not the rule. I think a lot of people enter into exclusive/monogamous relationships because they feel it's "the right way"
MarcusKoopa
MarcusKoopa
5 years, 4 months ago
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Exclusivity is a male value, actually. Well, a dominant male value. They want their mate to be loyal to them from a biological perspective because it ensure the young they raise is their own. Now, in back yonder days, most males had no problem at all with forming harems and keeping multiple women. Most women wouldn't care so long as they got all the resources they needed. The monogamy you see is a product of civilization. You can't have a large group of men working together when you have the alpha male and dozens of jealous rivals who are constantly striving to stab him in the spine and take all his women. The answer we came up with was to remove the harem and ration out the women to the other men on a 1/1 basis. Suddenly everyone was equal and more likely to cooperate.
MystBunny
MystBunny
5 years, 4 months ago
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except when the man or woman tries to fulfill sexual desires they're not getting from their mate, or is even simply accused of it, then we're back to spine-stabbing.
MarcusKoopa
MarcusKoopa
5 years, 4 months ago
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True. But it went from everyone trying to kill the one guy in charge to just random squabbles. In the long run, it was worth it.
MystBunny
MystBunny
5 years, 4 months ago
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Well I mean even within a harem, those women are exclusive to the man who "owns" them. It might not be the exact same problem, but it's certainly similar. If those harems were more open, I think we'd have had a lot less stabbing. I don't really consider an "even distribution of exclusivity" to be a viable alternative to exclusive harems. I think they're both too restrictive, and we'd be better off with neither.
MarcusKoopa
MarcusKoopa
5 years, 4 months ago
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Not really. Every human achievement has been made in the pursuit of sex. Civilization is applied courtship where the males of the species band together to form the most comfortable environment possible in order to attract more and more females. The greatest males did the most to get more females. If that stopped working, there would be less incentive to BE as successful as possible because you'd get less reward and any joe schmo could just come and fuck your harem who he didn't earn. It's kind of why the rich tend to be insanely debauched, the harem monkey part of their brains is fully switched on.
MarcusKoopa
MarcusKoopa
5 years, 4 months ago
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As for the sex thing... I'm an IRL Asexual. I think it makes people utterly insane and I have no idea why. I understand it from the scientific route, however. We're meat robots programmed to reproduce forever and sex is how we do it so it is the one thing we're made for. Sex is EVERYTHING biologically. You're only alive because your ancestors were the horniest.
MystBunny
MystBunny
5 years, 4 months ago
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Edited 5 years, 4 months ago by Owner
I..ssssslightly disagree. I think the insanity comes with putting so many nonsensical rules on sex. Also the sexual repression. (not including those who are truly asexual. If you're really asexual, there's nothing there to repress) I think we see plenty of evidence within the Catholic church alone to suggest that maybe sexual repression is not really a good thing, and can lead to the insanity you describe, as well as the obsession with keeping one's partner to themselves. I think "sexual insanity" is only a bi-product of these senseless restrictions.
MarcusKoopa
MarcusKoopa
5 years, 4 months ago
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The catholic church has those rules because it was where all the rich people sent their kids because the priests were the only ones who could read/write. If they'd later become priests, the church set up the rules to ensure tehy'd never have children and their lines would end. When that happened, the church would claim all their resources and it caused them to rapidly swell in wealth and power. Now a LOT Of the rules we have about sex actually make sense if you dissect them down far enough. At the base of every insanity was a good intention that went horribly wrong.
MystBunny
MystBunny
5 years, 4 months ago
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I don't really see the good intention part of that, or maybe to be more accurate, how it could have possibly gone better.
MarcusKoopa
MarcusKoopa
5 years, 4 months ago
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Oh I didn't mean the catholic part. I meant the other general sexual rules. The catholic church was just... bastards.
MarcusKoopa
MarcusKoopa
5 years, 4 months ago
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Edited 5 years, 4 months ago by Owner
To make things slightly crazier... the human brain has the vasopressin bonding system where sex and close contact can cause a permanent emotional bond to whatever you're fucking. This goes beyond people. If you put your dick in it and cuddle it afterwards, you will start to feel more possessive of it over time. To the point where I've heard stories of guys getting EXTREMELY protective and jealous of their sex toys.
MarcusKoopa
MarcusKoopa
5 years, 4 months ago
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I guess what I'm trying to say is that.. humanity does nothing in a vacuum. We never just DO something for no reason. There's ALWAYS a cause to our effect. It just takes a lot of poking and picking and applied biology and evolutionary psychology to dig to the root of the issue and it suddenly makes sense.
MystBunny
MystBunny
5 years, 4 months ago
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No I get that, but even if we find the reasons for it, and even if some of those reasons DO make sense for the times, so did killing cats during the black plague, which we now know helped the rats carrying the fleas and therefore the disease spread even more. I'm not sure that example communicated my point but..
MarcusKoopa
MarcusKoopa
5 years, 4 months ago
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I think we have a lot of hubris in the modern world to assume we are above evolution. Our society IS a form of evolution. It was set down among many cut throat competing societies and it not only lived but flourished.
MystBunny
MystBunny
5 years, 4 months ago
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Be that as it may, when I decided to eliminate the concepts of jealousy and possession from my life, all I had to do was make that decision to let it go, and it was gone forever. It was as simple as that. The following relationships were a hell of a lot happier for me, and longer, and I never once looked back with fondness of being the only one. From then on, every time I saw that my mate was happy having fun with someone else, it made me happy too. If they loved someone else, I found myself wanting to look fondly on them too. I didn't even have to try to be happy with it, I just simply was. I wasn't fighting against any biological urge to keep them to myself, because I realized one day that I just don't have to do that, and I'm so glad I did. I feel like I've unlocked the better part of my mind by going that route.
MarcusKoopa
MarcusKoopa
5 years, 4 months ago
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Well, I don't mean to be offensive at all, but you are likely a touch autistic. Most furries are. And that means you can overpower your emotions with logic most of the time. That's a really good thing, but most of the world can't. Their emotions run the vast majority of their decisions and their logic scrambles to fill in the holes and rationalize why they just did what they did.
MystBunny
MystBunny
5 years, 4 months ago
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Edited 5 years, 4 months ago by Owner
I honestly have no idea how to feel about this argument. My emotions AND my logic are trying to drag me in 10 different directions on this.
MarcusKoopa
MarcusKoopa
5 years, 4 months ago
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*pokes your nose* well it's not really an argument. But if it bothers you, we can stop.
MystBunny
MystBunny
5 years, 4 months ago
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Well sometimes I can't tell whether you're arguing a point or something else. Though I suppose I have the same problem getting that across to others, too. Also the autism bit. Though actually I went and did some reading on the subject because I wanted to make an informed retort and.. well, turns out you may be right. hmm.. That's interesting. I may have to go in for an evaluation on that.
MarcusKoopa
MarcusKoopa
5 years, 4 months ago
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It's ok. I'm on the spectrum too. Just about every furry I've ever met is. You're probably not severe at all and I honestly think the condition can be a blessing in small doses.
MystBunny
MystBunny
5 years, 4 months ago
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Well from what I'm seeing here it comes with certain strengths due to the irregular way someone with autism might approach different ideas and concepts, and to learn that the reason I think so differently from most people might be a result of autism, well it doesn't really bother me. If anything I'm kinda hoping for that confirmation because it would lead to a better understanding of myself and perhaps lead to a better understanding of other people too, now that I actually know some of those differences.
MystBunny
MystBunny
5 years, 4 months ago
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I've yet to see any examples of someone becoming that possessive of a sex toy. The examples I have heard of are certainly not the norm.
MarcusKoopa
MarcusKoopa
5 years, 4 months ago
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I've seen at least 3 guys fall in love with sex dolls.
KimbaLion
KimbaLion
5 years, 4 months ago
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very importent =^~°=
MystBunny
MystBunny
5 years, 4 months ago
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hehehe you silly title-reader
KimbaLion
KimbaLion
5 years, 4 months ago
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but am I wrong? =^#^= *LOL*

love and sexuality in love are very important <3
it strengthens the feelings to each other and if you have no sex at all,
then in the long run the love breaks *meow*

i am honestly a relationship without sex i can't imagine =^~°=
that is part of it for me *purrs loud and hugs ya*
MystBunny
MystBunny
5 years, 4 months ago
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I'm sure it does strengthen feelings. There's that whole thing with endorphins. It's still possible though to have sex elsewhere and still be in love with someone even if you don't have sex with them, but if it's an exclusive relationship.. probably a lot more important than it should be.
KimbaLion
KimbaLion
5 years, 4 months ago
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yeah, i can even imagine ^^
and certainly you are right *hugs*

but yiff with friends is also very important
when friendship needs to be strengthened *smile*
Pepperbutt
Pepperbutt
5 years, 4 months ago
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And this kids, is why you use a condom before sex!
MystBunny
MystBunny
5 years, 4 months ago
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I get tested regularly and use condoms up to two months after any unprotected. (if I'm lucky enough to have sex that often ;.;) I trust the people I have any unprotected with, but on the off chance I'm wrong about someone, I won't be the one to spread anything.
moyomongoose
moyomongoose
5 years, 4 months ago
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Depends on what both partners agree on...
...One partner wanting sex, and the other partner never wanting it has contributed to a fair share of broken marriages.
MystBunny
MystBunny
5 years, 4 months ago
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That's part of it. Though I do think the non-exclusivity eliminates that problem entirely, so that someone who is truly asexual and someone who is very sexual can still have a happy relationship. I've seen this happen from time to time. As for exclusivity, however, it's extremely rare for any two people to be so closely compatible in terms of sex, and this calls for immense sacrifice, which I would argue is simply unnecessary and often does lead to unhappiness. If two people are compatible enough to enter into a happy exclusive relationship, that's one thing, but the vast majority of exclusive relationships I've witnessed, at least one person seems to be forcing themselves into it because they believe that's what they're supposed to do. Society says this is the way it's supposed to be. I say society is fucked up.
Mole
Mole
5 years, 4 months ago
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Edited 5 years, 4 months ago by Owner
It depends if it's a sexual relationship.  It seems like you really meant how important is sex in a 'marriage' or in regard to love.  When first reading the question.. I was thinking "How important was sex in my relationship with my mom".

But from all of this.. it seems better your ignore all traditional thought and go towards what you believe is right.  We have a lot of stupid tradition and people tend to accept them instead seeing them through critical lens.  We were taught all sort of shit..  As a society we simplify love in a manner that goes against human nature.  It might have made sense in the past.. but we can happily and safely indulge in sex

You think exclusivity is a problem.. congrats, you believe in polyamory.  A lot of people believe in this too, but we have a very conservative media... and these progressive ideas are kept in the closet.. much like boys kissing boys.. or boys who really want to be girls
MystBunny
MystBunny
5 years, 4 months ago
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I am polyamorous, yesh, ^_^ though I meant specifically sexual exclusivity which can apply to polyamorous relationships or monogamous ones. The idea that having sex outside of a relationship doesn't have to be to the detriment of that relationship, regardless of whether or not you're having sex within that relationship. Certainly I like a relationship where there is plenty of sex within, but if I were in love someone who was non-sexual, the lack of sex would factor into that if I was expected not to have sex outside the relationship. Non-exclusivity removes that as a factor and I can still enjoy a loving relationship.

I think you touched on something else I've been thinking about though, how love comes in so many different forms that it's impossible to simplify it down to just whether or not you're in a relationship. I see a lot of emphasis on those two black and white concepts of "you're either friends, or you're lovers" with very little to nothing in between, which is a vast over-simplification of the concept. The human brain doesn't work that way, but it's also very hard to describe in words.

Also, yeah, "relationship" does have a ton of different meanings, so it's pretty much all in the context.
Mole
Mole
5 years, 4 months ago
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Well, i believe breaking norms is a good thing.  

Love is a very complex issue.. it's so complex that it's deeper meaning is vague and heavily opinionated.  A very simple notion is.. if you really love someone, wouldn't you want to share them with everyone else?   Of course someone would say "Well it's not like loving a sandwich.. it's a mature romatic love.. and if you really love that person, you don't want to hurt their feelings by being open"

When you break through all the bullshit.. it comes down to what you consider love.. and the person you love accept that definition.. which isn't limited romance.  It seems communication and socializing is made up of invisible strings of understanding and values that people don't bring up
StabbityDeath
StabbityDeath
5 years, 4 months ago
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Edited 5 years, 4 months ago by Owner
My wife and I are best friends first lovers second.  We rp adult situations, but actual sex is a no go until we are ready to have kids since there are a bunch of ways she might accidentally get pregnant even with protection.  I don't mind and have plenty of time to take care of my urges online.  We are super close and do a lot of hugging, kissing and enjoyong each other's company, so we feel just fine even if we aren't having sex outside of text based RP.

Edit: As for the other side of things.  We are not polyamorous at the moment, but would love to have a more open relationship, until then anything I do, I am careful that she wouldn't mind.  I really want her to be ok with it, because her feelings are so very important to me.
MystBunny
MystBunny
5 years, 4 months ago
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Aren't the odds of getting pregnant with protection/birth control incredibly insignificant?
StabbityDeath
StabbityDeath
5 years, 4 months ago
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Yup, but its ok. I can wait.  No rush here, we have the rest of our lives together.  I am sure we will have plenty of time for hanky panky.
xCookiex
xCookiex
5 years, 4 months ago
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funny thing is i was in an exclusive relationship for over 2 yrs with no sex
MystBunny
MystBunny
5 years, 4 months ago
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Before I decided to break from the norm, I had been in many exclusive relationships, but none for that long.
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