Introduction - Nov 3rd 2018. I'm posting some old journals that I had composed on my phone but never uploaded. Mainly dealing with venting and depressive content, in the end of May/early June and September I was at a low and wrote these emotionally charged journals. Additionally I wrote the "Fall Blues" Journal as well, which was a separate event in September altogether, it is linked in the September Journal if you feel like reading it, again not necessary. (also thanks to the people who supported me there, I super appreciated it and still do, I need to reply to the comments on it)
At the end of them I have added an additional and current reflection on what I wrote all these months ago. These journals are mainly for my own therapeutic journey and you are not required to read all this, it is of course available to you, some may want to know more about me, my life and struggles, you might find yourself in my words or in some similar way, I sympathize with you if you are struggling; and I leave the floor open for discussion.
So here are some older journals from earlier in the year, a glimpse of me at a low point and at the end, how I see it all now. Pay attention to dates so you know the order they happened in.
___________________ Early June 2018 - Last week amid the chaos of my cat going missing and five full days of nonstop work and late nights, I had some heart to heart life chats with some of my family, and what really stuck with me was being told: "You need to find a partner."
I am the only one in my immediate family without one so I can see their point. It twinged at me a little bit.
"You're going to be lonely" They said. Yeah, and what if I already am? Too late. I have huge bouts of it, and many days where I'm perfectly happy and content.
Currently I'm on a low. What really gets to me though is that its apparently noticeable. "You're not taking care of your body, you sleep all the time, you've lost your confidence, and its affecting your day to day life." I can't say they are wrong, and I did ask for the blunt truth of it.
I do sleep a lot, its one way to make the days go by faster, it feels good, I have really lucid and vivid dreams and my blankets become this perfect cocoon of warmth. It's like living in the Fantasy of FA and the voracious predator world I love more than the sometimes dullness of reality. I don't want to leave, and most of the time there isn't anything to even get up for. I am lonely. I'd rather be in my head with my friends and characters and their characters than out in the real world.
I've read that sleeping habits like mine are a warning sign of depression. I've never been diagnosed professionally, and I don't feel like my life or mental state is in danger.
I'm not too sure what I'm going to do. I need a new regime.
________________________ Episode of Loneliness - Sept 2018
Minding my own business during my last big job for a couple days, enjoying the work despite the heat and crowds of idiots, a chunk of good coworkers that I hang out with, and in it all I still become overwhelmed with bouts of feeling alone. I haven't properly hung out online in four days and I'm feeling the lack of company rather strongly.
I never realized how being away from the fandom socially would affect my feelings of belonging.
This also concerns me in that it shows me how I look at my self-worth; if I don't show up and participate then who would care that I'm missing. If I'm not around then who would miss me? Does anyone seek to check in on me?
These are bad thoughts, yet they creep in. I know, I KNOW, that these are not true. I simply don't know what to do about it. ______________________ "Fall Blues" - written September 27, 2018 http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/8890883/ ______________________ Reflection Journal on the above journals - October 31, 2018
Man, it is astounding how different my perspective is today, in this current headspace and reading these depressive journals. I can really see into my sad state with basically a fresh set of eyes.
My mood and amount of sleep most certainly have affects of me and how I am feeling day to day, and most importantly is even my diet. The food I eat drastically influences me. When I'm on a carb and sugar binge, I become sluggish and mentally exhausted, the perfect storm for depressive thoughts to take over and manipulate my weaknesses and fears.
I haven't gone on any diets or anything and still indulge too much on the bad food, though I've been reading, one book I recently finished called "wheat belly" talked about cutting wheat out of the diet and the astounding results that occur. Though it at this point I'd rather just do a Whole 30 again. That got me some results and I felt liberated. Unfortunately as soon as I stopped I gained all the weight back plus some. It's better in the long run if I actually do something about it. Better for me, my career, my confidence, my health. I ideally want to lose 50 lbs, and that is a hefty goal.
