i need advice

hi

yesterday i started having panic attacks in this house and puking a lot, it still doesn't stop.

i've been living with my grandma for almost 2 years, she constantly bosses me around, yells at me if there's a speck of dust on literally anything, yells at me if anything smells bad (even me), yells at me for no reason too, she keeps threatening to take out my internet, she doesn't let me use her laptop (and its unused every single day)

i also live with 2 uncles, one of them is sort of addicted to money, travels to USA like 2 or 3 times a year (from Chile, that's expensive and far) and puts it on my grandma's credit card, yells at me if i make any noise past 11pm (and seemingly my computer keyboard is too loud??) (my grandma complains about that too though), he's yelled at me before saying I'M THE ONE THAT PAYS ALL THE BILLS IN THIS HOUSE (where i'm physically the one paying them online and it's coming out of my mommy's money which is more than needed for all bills + some of my upkeep)

the other uncle is rarely ever home and yells at me if i try to give my grandma reasons on why i smell bad or why i took 4 minutes longer than she wanted in washing the dishes

my mom owns a house which she's renting to some other family cause she's short on money, she lives in a full house with her brother and brother's wife and a baby (they're nice people), and mommy has her own problems to deal with, like panic episodes and a very long lasting depression, i can't live with her on her own house cause it's too expensive.

my dad barely even talks to me, lives in a full house with his gf and my half-sister, he's in debt to everyone in the world, including my mom, and he can't help with any money.

i have no other family alive that can take me, i have no friends that can take me either
the only thing keeping me alive are my absurd amount of medication and my squirrel plushie

i can't work cause i puke if i'm more than 2 hours interacting with strangers, then i curl in a ball and start crying, i have some weird degree of autism and get panic attacks really often when out of my comfort zone

today i thought of saying no to my grandma when she "asked" for me to pay the bills online, i'm sick of having to deal with her very abusive treatment and me having to still comply to whatever she says, but my LoL duo talked me out of it, said it could probably get even worse, she'd probably even hit me, or one of my uncles.

i can't take this any longer, i don't wanna live like this

so i wanted to ask: what should i do?
"suck it up" for 2 more days before actually hanging myself?
kill the other 3 occupants in this house?
guilt my depressed mom into living in her house with me again?
try to find a job with an empty resume and no physical capabilities of being anywhere without puking?

note: i'm not exaggerating any of the details

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Added:	5 years, 8 months ago 21 Aug 2018 04:11 CEST

8 Comments on this Journal

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Meiji

5 years, 8 months ago

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Well the first broad thing I'd suggest is to start reading [or listening to] some self-help or psychology type books. There's thousands out there which are highly acclaimed, written by smart people with lives worth of experience. Try to find some that are aimed more specifically towards the type of temperament you have - they're usually aimed at certain types of people or experiences and you can tell which one speaks to you pretty quickly by just reading the description

With your specific situation, the one thing that seems to me to be a problem is boundaries - yours don't seem to be set very clearly and by the way you're describing things they seem to be violated daily. If you start thinking about what you can and should disallow, and then think strategically about how you can confront whoever it is in a way to set your boundaries, then you can at least cut that stress out of your life. It isn't easy though; generally it makes for a very stressful few hours and a stressful week, but if you're persistent and strategic it can be done.

Finally you'll need to take time to learn some skills or gain some knowledge that could help you earn some money - without specifics I can't really offer more but at the least it'll make you feel like every day is helping you move forward towards something better, rather than just trying to be in constant recovery mode from whatever is going wrong that day.

But I'd focus really hard on the second one in particular. If you can manage to go through the situation and get people to give you the space you deserve (especially those who you don't have any reason to answer to anyways), it'll make your quality of life go up. Even if it seems like it's not working, just keep thinking it through and be persistent.

The idea is to have some meaning every day and to feel like you're moving forwards towards something. If you feel like that, then every single year you will be able to look back and find yourself in a different place. It could take a very long time, but you have a very long time to work on it as long as you allow yourself to live that long.

internetsquirrel

5 years, 8 months ago

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@ Meiji

im scared of trying to set boundaries, they might take away my internet privileges

Meiji

5 years, 8 months ago

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@ internetsquirrel

Like I said, it'll be a hard day/week. You have to negotiate as well. But once you have it set, that'll be the new standard you life is set around.

If you're really suicidal then there isn't much to lose anyways.

internetsquirrel

5 years, 8 months ago

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@ Meiji

i'll do that

TayFerret

5 years, 8 months ago

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I'm not sure exactly. :( If you're mom's paying the bills for the house you're in, maybe you could talk to her about everyone's bad behavior and she could threaten not to pay for them anymore. Then maybe they'd treat you better, or you could live with your mom and she could stop paying for everyone else.

The best thing would be to expand your comfort zone so you can eventually get a job and be independent, but I don't have advice on that with the panic attacks and such.

internetsquirrel

5 years, 8 months ago

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@ TayFerret

ty i'll try the mom stuff

TayFerret

5 years, 8 months ago

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@ internetsquirrel

I hope it works!