Before anyone thinks the title is implying suicidal or self-harm then you would be wrong, do not worry on that end. No, instead I'm giving up on ever trying to be truly happy in this world, with modern science the way that it is, and the total lack of real magic. To explain, for those that don't already know, I identify as a trans-woman or someone born physically male but inwardly more on the feminine side and would prefer female pronouns and a female body to match. However, I realized that even after if I ever manage to get enough money to actually transition, I'll never be happy, cause I'm not one hundred percent, I'm still unable to become a mother biologically. Even if medical science advances to make it so that one can become a biological mom (which I assume would be due to altering some genetic code) I'll most likely be too old to have a child at that point as I'm already 34 now and women, of course, have an internal clock to when they can no longer have children. With that on my mind I'm wondering if I should even bother with trying to transition in the first place, as it is I haven't even begun hormones due to lack of money (as it's a REALLY expensive procedure) and lack of any health insurance (not that it would probably help anyway).
Before anyone thinks the title is implying suicidal or self-harm then you would be wrong, do not worry on that end. No, instead I'm giving up on ever trying to be truly happy in this world, with modern science the way that it is, and the total lack of real magic. To explain, for those that don't already know, I identify as a trans-woman or someone born physically male but inwardly more on the feminine side and would prefer female pronouns and a female body to match. However, I realized that even after if I ever manage to get enough money to actually transition, I'll never be happy, cause I'm not one hundred percent, I'm still unable to become a mother biologically. Even if medical science advances to make it so that one can become a biological mom (which I assume would be due to altering some genetic code) I'll most likely be too old to have a child at that point as I'm already thirty-four now and as many already know women have an internal clock to when they can no longer have children. With that on my mind I'm wondering if I should even bother with trying to transition in the first place, as it is I haven't even begun hormones due to lack of money (as it's a REALLY expensive procedure) and lack of any health insurance (not that it would probably help anyway).
Now I've never actually dated, not really anyway. I mean I've had a few online relationships, but it never went farther than the online part of it because I told the other person I wasn't ready for anything physical due to being transgender. Thus I can honestly say I am a total virgin, that is in the sense that I've never even been kissed or touched by anyone else. In fact, I've never once let someone touch me offline, even for a simple pat on the back, including family, so a hug or handshake was even more out of the question. The reason for that was because even at a young age I was disgusted with my body, I only learned around the age of nineteen or twenty that part of it was because I was transgender, but I'm sure the other is just some severe body dysmorphia or something similar but more focused on the fact that I was born physically male. When I learned transgender was a thing, I imagined myself as a female and realized I would be far more comfortable around people if I was. It was then I started basically being myself online and was often perceived as female and of course went along with it cause it just felt right. I know I would never be comfortable with my body as it is, and thus would never get physically close with anyone until I was female. However, I'm not even sure if, after all the surgeries that are available to transgender people right now, I'll even be comfortable to be around anyone then. I say this because I'll still be male in the base genetic sense of the word and a part of my mind will most likely remind me of that, the fact that I'm not one hundred percent. It makes me wish more and more that some breakthrough would happen that could alter someone's genetic code and make it so trans-women could become biological mothers and trans-men biological fathers if they wanted to that is. I feel that would be the only thing to make me happy, or simply put where I have functioning female anatomy to become a mother, otherwise, I doubt I'll ever truly be happy.
In conclusion, unless some miracle or breakthrough happens, I'm not even going to try and date. Almost makes me wish that someone reading this had some magical power to just make me female, but sadly such magic doesn't exist as I've learned the hard way (through being scammed or falling for such scams).
