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Oh, sweet Lincoln's mullet! (How to suck like a pro)

There are these two guys that I once said to myself regarding them "I am going to despise trying to play any form of team game with these guys." One game of Left 4 Dead 2 and it's fucking official: I wouldn't have these guys on my team for a spot of playground Hopscotch.

Seriously, people, you don't have to be an "elite video game master" to do these things, it's simply called "paying attention" and I'm slowly losing patience for this brand of ineptitude - I've got a prodigious amount of patience for new players and such, but even I'm starting to get sick of this.

Now, that's important: we're not talking about being a master game player. I'm not complaining that they couldn't do some super-elite strategy or something. I'll be blunt here, these folks are awesome people in real life, but it's bewildering just how fucking incompetent they were no more than ten minutes ago in a video game. It's like being too thick to use Microsoft Word or order pizza, that's what we're talking about here. Not elite strategy. Too thick to read.

I see why people get pissed off. I see why people rage-quit. It's not elitism or anger problems. Some people join team games with zero fucking idea what to do, zero interest in learning, and zero regard for the people they're playing with.

That gets annoying. Oh, yes, I know, there are dickheads that are elitist and are just angry, angry little people, but I am not talking about that. I'm not even writing this out of anger. I'm writing this out of exasperation and sheer incredulity.

I mean... what the hell just happened!?

So, let's examine how to be an absolutely fucking useless player of multiplayer games. Maybe, just maybe, some suck-players will come across this and mend their ways.

1. No Communication
I should be able to discern that I'm interacting with actual humans instead of bots or monkeys palm-slapping keyboards. 95% of games have text-chat, and it's fucking obvious. Big yellow or white letters appear in the corner of the screen where it's conveniently visible.
READ IT!! Learn to reply via text-chat, or at least fucking somehow. You're playing a multi-player game, you do not get to just ignore the other players or their communication.

I've seen this untold times in World of Warcraft. Someone will ignore text-chat warning them of danger or providing them with helpful instructions, they get killed by the very thing they warned about, then leave the group without a word. Whether text or voice communication, they eschew such niceties because they're bad-ass internet cool guys! Decency? Plain common sense? Hah, so lame, dude.

I wish I could say this merely made you look like a stupid, egotistical fuck. But it doesn't. You really ARE a stupid, egotistical fuck.  
If you're going to complain about having to read or learning to type quicker, then congratulations. Tack "illiterate" somewhere in your title, you heaving neanderthal. =)

2. Ignore Instructions.
This goes hand-in-hand with number 1.


I don't know if they read any of those. I did in fact use voice chat too.
One of them needs serious drugs to give him an attention span, but that was the one who randomly dove off a ledge just as a Smoker wrapped me in a Marlboro-flavored tentacle. The other guy has no excuse.

3. Be Inattentive And Moronic To The Point It Seems Deliberate
If you stand there and let a zombie pound on you 16 times (doing 2 damage each hit) until you die because you seem to lack the ability to look around or understand the extremely intuitive directional indicator, don't be surprised if someone wants to slap you.

If you're randomly throwing grenades around, well, that's about as intelligent in video games as it is in real life. Don't join the military.

And when someone says "don't split up, you'll die", listen to them. You never know when you'll find yourself on the set of the next Hostel sequel.

Seriously people, you don't have to be fantastic at a video game to avoid criticism. This is just sheer ineptitude and inattention. These folks, I know them in real life, they're decent at other video games, do have the capacity to pay attention and to learn; they just opted to not make the effort. They're not suited to multi-player, co-operative games.

If you're this kind of person, make the effort. It doesn't matter that it's just a game - I'd be pretty pissed off if a silent dip-shit that for all I knew only spoke German joined my basketball game and kept throwing the ball backwards out of the court. Or sabotaged a game of doubles tennis by hurling their rackets at the umpire.

This isn't "aww, you're talking the game too seriously!", this is "dude, these people aren't even playing the game, they're not even communicating."

In short, if you're so fucking bubble-headed that you're going to ignore text-chat (and voice chat even more so), then don't do anything that requires communication. You're just wasting your time, everyone else's time, and it's inconsiderate.
Viewed: 15 times
Added: 7 years, 1 month ago
7 years, 1 month ago
I would very much like to have a mullet like Lincoln. it would, indeed, be very sweet.
7 years, 1 month ago
Lol I was just about to post that Lincoln doesn't infact have a mullet.
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