So It's not shocker that I have really bad anxiety. But I don't think some people really understand quite how crippling it actually is for me. It's not just me being scared or shy, it's literally the feeling of something inside me trying to claw out. I stare at the things I have to do and freak out, I can't move, I can't really function, I freeze. This isn't just with 'big things' like job interviews or something no, this is with tiny little things that a 'normal' person should easy do. Reading IMs/PMs/Notes, reading texts, phones calls are one of the worst.
Well I haven't really 'announced' this but I ended up getting the job at the clinic I was after and will be starting next month. Well because of this a lot of my regulars for dogsitting I'm having to tell I can't do it. And it's extremely difficult for me to say 'No'
Honestly I'm a very bad buisness person cause I generally go way beyond my means to make clients happy. Most artists don't do as much as me, and I'm not bashing them ,I envy their ability to be more assertive.. I just feel like I'm trapped. My anxiety is 70% better when I smoke herb, so I tend to rely on it.
But ANYWAY. I'm just trying to explain to people, why it takes me so long to reply. Why sometimes I seem to be so quick while other times I take days... I'm trying. People tell me to push through and please trust me when I say I'm trying. Fighting my anxiety is like fighting a terrible monster that lives in me.
I don't want to sit around and make excuses for myself. I just need people to understand and give me the smallest bit of slack.. Friends I've made on here have helped me.
and to anyone trying to reach out and talk and be my friend. PLEASE. don't take it personally that I'm so hard to talk to. I'm not ignoring you. I never ignore anyone. I just have the worst things spewing through my head that I can't always simply click open a message and instantly reply.
Saying no to people is the hardest thing for me... and I hate it...
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6 years, 1 month ago
05 Mar 2018 19:12 CET
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