http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/8560378/ A journal on FA about where I've been and what's happened the past two years... It's a long one. It covers abuse, homelessness and my current situation now for those who care.
For those who don't mess with FA, I'll post it down below. Cheers.
Throughout my career on FA/IB and while in the fandom, my long time friends will tell you that I do art once in a while. You could say that I'm an on-and-off artist of sorts. Of course there are times when things get a little complicated. First of all let me acknowledge my lack of transparency on this site. The last journal journal posted on this site was from January 2016. As I write this, it's now pretty much the last few days of 2017. This hasnt been so much a neglect of updating as just a result of my issues being a thing ever since the beginning of 2016.
I was doing well for myself in mid 2015 when I moved out on my own, ready to finish my education. At the time I was attending Cogswell Polytechnical College in San Jose California, living in student housing. I attended FC a few months later which takes place in January, which you will see there is a journal I posted acknowledging my attendance. After the con, I met up with my ex boyfriend who was looking in the area for some places to live and asked if he could stay with me for a couple weeks. It had been a long time since we had seen eachother and we were on friendly terms. I let him stay at my apartment and though he claimed to only be staying a few weeks.. this time ended up being months. And even with me having to take a vacation to visit my mother, he remained in the area, couch hopping. In retrospect it would've been good to not get involved with him or simply force him out on the street.. But alas I was too nice and things hadn't gotten bad at that point. He slowly began to manipulate the situation however.. And before I knew it, he had moved everything around in my room, kept his pets in my apartment which was against the rules of our housing agreement and wasnt even supposed to stay longer than a short time. Then, when I least expected it, my ex indirectly caused me to lose my job.
I had been sleep deprived due to him getting into a rut and forcing me to stay awake with his abusiveness and manipulative tactics. I ended up falling asleep accidentally and slept through my multiple work alarms. Arrived to work late and ended up getting fired. All this happened around the time I was close to finals at my school. I kept myself afloat by driving for Lyft and doing the odd commission here and there but in California, everyone knows that isn't enough. I was looking for jobs ever since that day. With no luck, I continued to work on my studies. Around this time, I discovered that my ex had a living situation down in Southern California which was falling apart due to him not having any money or recklessly spending the money he had instead of paying the rent for his place down there, thus resulting in him getting kicked out. There was also a friend of his who was watching two pets that he left down there.
They ended up going missing.
During my finals, I was told by my ex that he brought a dog back to the apartment. I told him that he needed to re-home this dog before anyone finds out about it, but he didn't even try to do this. Long story short, we got kicked out because of that. We ended up moving in with person right after this. My ex instantly began pissing off the person who owned the place...My ex even owed this guy money later on into us living there. Ultimately we ended up being kicked out because of that drama he caused. I had driven for Lyft but my car fell into disrepair...My car got repossessed during this time since I couldn't afford to pay for it anymore. The place was a total mess thanks to my ex and since my ex wouldn't pay any rent, we got kicked out again. If we had lasted a bit longer, I would likely have been able to separate from him and get on my feet. We moved in with another friend of mine, which didn't work out either because of my ex causing even more trouble than before. He would argue with me on the tiniest thing and get upset if I wasn't around to appease his needs. It got so bad that he ended up striking me in the stomach, and there were multiple instances of gaslighting, manipulation and verbal abuse. It was so bad for me that I began to want to just stay at work. (Around this time I had finally found a job) His needs became so frequent and erratic that I was late multiple I needed to get out, especially since my work attendance got so bad from my ex threatening to hurt me if I left to go to work that I lost my job again (was at a different company of course)... So I ran away, with nothing to my name, no car and no home.. I sought refuge with friends that would let me stay as long as my ex wasn't around. He was also kicked out yet again by the third living situation.
To my knowledge, he is still living in an abandoned building and is homeless with the dog he adopted to be his personal service dog/emotional aid. So that pretty much ends the destruction he caused...Well except for the last person we stayed with ended up suing me for the damages he and his dog caused, so I should thank him for that too. If a friend wants to sue you for something you didnt do, they probably aren't your friend, but hey..neither is an ex boyfriend. The guy still hasn't looked for a job or paid back any of the debts he was owed. Hell even before we moved in with the guy after I got kicked out of student housing, I spent my whole tax return helping him bring his stuff up from SoCal from the situation that he got kicked out of as a result of trying to stay with me...Makes no sense.
Around the time I ran away, it was around October/November 2016. I was finally working again and even was able to afford a car. I used that to drive for Uber which earned me some decent money. Sadly there wasn't anyone in the bay area offering a place to rent for anything lower than $1000 a month, which I couldn't afford even with my work. A few months after that, the friend I was staying with got tired of me living there and my actual current boyfriend (not my abusive ex) was moving out of his parents place and into another fur's house. He wanted me to stay with him, so I did. This ended up being another bad point for me because it was a place that was in the middle of a small time with VERY few employment opportunities, and I couldn't find enough work to be able to sustain myself...So sadly, the other roommates and even my own boyfriend essentially kicked me out. In retrospect the relationship probably wasn't going to work out anyway, since I never got any affection from him. That doesn't make him a bad person...just not a good fit for a boyfriend for me... So he broke up with me and pretty much stopped trying to help me. This was pretty much the situation from March 2017 all the way to September 2017.
Thankfully I have finally found a good situation with a close friend that I actually trust almost as much as family (known the guy for almost a decade. But even though I haven't lived here super long, I am falling behind since I have relied very little on my commissions as well as doing contract work.. But the season is slow and I simply do not know what to do to keep myself afloat. I mean I am looking for more work to supplement my own small income and my rent and utilities are extremely reasonable. There have even been some people who suggest I push my commissions further, charge more and even start a Patreon project or Ko-fi to help with my bills.
(Keep in mind I dont spend money on anything besides food, rent and utilities. I'm not a person who lives beyond their means by buying needless things. I only even attend cons I can absolutely afford and provide for myself) But the reason I havent done any of those things is that I lack ideas and I doubt that anyone who likes my work or is a fan of any sort would want to support me in that way...I also don't really have any good ideas admittedly... I don't even really ask for money other than doing commission work. I dunno... if you guys think I should start a project, let me know. I always like to hear feedback, even if it's negative. As of right now, I do still have a small handful of commissions that are being completed. Just to name a few, there's that old YCH that I'm almost done with (That shit started back in 2016 during all this crazy abuse shit and moving around, so I realize that doesn't look good...But I want to be as transparent as I can with you all) To those that are still waiting for me to finish these few works, I apologize that it has been so long. Hell I know what it's like to wait so long for a commission. Two people owe me art that I haven't even since a single bit of since I sent them money. Believe me I know what it's like. But I intend to follow through with these pieces. My integrity and reputation depend on it!! But even saying those things isn't enough though. I've recently been told by a close friend of mine that someone has been going around, telling people that I swindle money from people... Instead of talking to me about it directly, they simply want to spread this false info around. I encourage the people who have issues with me to simply speak up. I'm not impossible to reach. I have all the online and social network info needed to remain in contact. There's no reason to just spread this kind of stuff without talking to me first!
I know a lot of people will say that I should've just kicked my ex out and just stayed away or to have never been involved with him in the first place. I agree with this, but I didn't foresee him causing all this trouble for me and the others who had been involved with him. He is no longer in my life and I am on my own now. Hell if my mother wasn't retired and living in another state, I would be asking her for help instead, but she barely gets enough. (Those with middle class families with retired relatives know what I'm talking about. The amount they get is way less than when they were working.)
I just don't quite know what to do other than to continue looking for work, doing these low priced commissions, but I don't think I'll last another month without being hired within the next week or two. I just don't know what to do...
I made this journal not to directly ask for help or for people to understand what I've been through, but I just wanted to answer for what has happened and where I've been. Keep in mind, through all of this, I never thought someone would hurt me, hit me, abuse me, or ruin my life just by being around me...But it can happen. Abuse can happen to anyone. It can traumatize them...Get them to lose total trust in anyone...make them scared to face their problems or even tell their family. Do not let someone push you around or tell you that you cannot do something. The roommates at every living situation I was at with my ex told me that I was being abused regularly and I didn't even realize or wanted to admit it because I never thought anyone would do that to me...I even defended myself physically but it only made the problem worse. I'm a lot like my mother.. I may be nice but I don't just sit around and get pushed around. When I saw that nothing was working, I simply left and needed to take care of myself for my own sanity. This is why I am not in a place where I feel safe and no one will hurt me.
Well that pretty much is all that I had to say about the past two years. Ironically while everyone was complaining about the election or the celebrity killing dumpster fire that was 2016, I was dealing with being afraid for my livelihood and worrying about being abused. 2017 was finally the year where I feel like I'm making progress thanks to not getting involved with people I don't trust.
Here are some of the works I have been working on since I last posted on FA:
Although I have made this journal to be forthcoming with you all, I also have to say that if you feel as though my artwork is worth supporting and that you think I should just buckle down and commit to making my work be a bigger priority instead of just grinding away at contract work, please let me know. I would love to commit to a project that I can deliver to you, my friends/fans and supporters.
In the meantime I do have a paypalme link if you wish to donate even just a single dollar to help me stay out of trouble and show how much you support me, it would help. Of course if nobody does anything, that's fine too. I will continue to work on the projects I owe and when those are done, I am more than willing to offer commissions in the future! If you wanna donate directly to me, my paypal.me link is below.
paypal.me/midekai
Thank you those who are reading this. I hope you all stay safe and you enjoy the rest of your day. And of course, belated Merry Christmas and have a Happy New Year 2018 <3 Here's to a new and exciting year full of opportunities and positive vibes <3
