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Milkie

OCD, Fixation, Logic vs. Irrationality

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When I was a kid, I was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I can't even argue or deny the claim because I had very obvious tendencies, such as the idea that as soon as an article of clothing so much as touched the carpet in my room, it was dirty. No if's, and's, or but's, it was dirty and I wouldn't wear it. Socks, shirts, pants, didn't matter what. I also had to do things "my way." Anything not done the way I ritualistically performed it day in and day out would set me off like a bomb.

These days, I can wear the same clothes more than a day, but I still will never put them on the floor. Not actively, just I will passively put my socks on the back of my couch if I take them off rather than just toss them on the floor. I don't even think about it. The floor is still specifically for my dirty clothes pile. I have my daily rituals, as anyone would, but so much as skipping one thing even just once puts me in quite a mood that will not go away until I do it - for example, taking a shower every single night. If for whatever reason I cannot or I try to just save it for the morning, I will not sleep and will be plagued with irritating thoughts until I get up and go clean myself.

More often than not, however, my OCD manifests itself in a fixation. I get very fixated on something I want to do. Could be anything: maybe I wanna eat a specific food, or play a specific game, or write something, or whatever. Any moment I am not doing those things, I can't stand doing anything else. Any time I am prevented from doing those things, I plummet. Of course, I'm not totally irrational, and thus I can logically recognize that my feelings toward things are irrational. Recently I was unable to sleep and upon being stark awake for the fourth night in a row, I rolled over and realized it was quarter-to-seven in the morning, and proceeded to launch out of bed and pace around my room for half an hour having a complete mental breakdown over how utterly stupid it was for me to be that uncomfortable over not sleeping.

I promptly cancelled my shift at work that day, my D&D session the following day, and refused to leave my room to so much as eat in fear of actually having to see and talk to my roommates. Eventually I got so hungry I couldn't not-eat anymore. I'm doing that as I type this, too.

Logic and compulsions are always at odds. So when I'm moping about because I had to pass over yet another night of Divinity with the boys even though I really, really wanted to play it with them, it comes off as completely ridiculous, if not spoiled. It's unreasonable in every facet and many feelings I have come about in similar ways. I know it's unreasonable, so I don't talk about it or vent because I know all I'd be coming off as is whiny and, well, practically entitled. "Oh look, Milkie's being a huge suck because he had to go to work instead of staying home and writing. Wow, what a stupid problem to have."

It is stupid! I absolutely agree with that notion, 100%. Doesn't matter though. No matter how much I recognize that a feeling is misplaced, it doesn't eliminate the feeling. It lingers, if anything more powerfully because of my insistence that I shouldn't be feeling that way.

Sometimes, I have no reason to feel the way I do. I'll look at my Inkbunny page and all of a sudden think, "Why do I bother? Nobody likes me." Or, like, there's no reason for me to work on the 30th chapter of a story because nobody really reads it anyway. Or, like, wow a chatroom is quiet, it must somehow be my fault. Can't complain about it though, people have told me that I only talk about myself and I wouldn't want to bother them.

Maybe it's just that time of year again. Anyone who cares to pay attention will see the annual trend in my thoughts and feelings. Winter comes and I go right into the shitter and stay there until at least April. Winter is the worst time of year. I've come to absolutely despise it. So, buckle up, I guess! Not that this will terribly inconvenience you more than an occasional ranting journal about how absolutely crappy I feel; I think that's more telling myself to hunker down because this shit ain't goin' away.
Viewed: 50 times
Added: 6 years, 4 months ago
 
Milkie
6 years, 4 months ago
Zevaxx
6 years, 4 months ago
The mind is a... a... well, it's a thing alright.
tkongingi
6 years, 4 months ago
I'm squeamish around blood and no amount of knowing that blood exams are perfectly safe little pricks that hardly even hurt keep me from feeling extremely uncomfortable.
SnapInABox
6 years, 4 months ago
I can't say I can completely understand what you're going through, but there are definitely a few things in there that I can relate to. I suppose it's worth keeping in mind that there are still people who are glad to have you around, though, even through your tougher times, and we'll still be here when you do manage to get through the funk. It'll pass eventually, like they always do. =)
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