Don't read the journal if the [rant] make you upset. It'll not be a pleasant read.
I've been getting more and more depressed those past few days. They may be multiple reasons. My birthday is in one month, I have no job (a pharmacy keep telling me they want to hire me but have to fire people before, after making me dance for two months, I given up), I've been feeling puppyish a lot but I have no way to enjoy it as my parents are super upset about the pharmacy job (my father believe I fucked it up), no real alone time for a while... I keep looking for a steady job, I thought I had a real shot here as for the first time, they seem to think that being mentally handicapped wasn't an immediate no. I did everything they asked the best I could. I also think I have a cold, with a bad morale and temperatures changing so fast, it's no surprise. I feel worn out and my tummy is pretty upset.
I can't afford going anywhere as Mommy want us to go to Canadian AB camp (Tomkat) next year, but when she showed me a video of her time there, I felt...
Out of place. That I could never fit in. Would never be as good as those in this video. I would just, as always, be the awkward kid people kick around and throw stones at. I have a hard time imagining myself as a baby with others ABs running around and being all free of the self-doubt and the huge guilt I have when being a baby. Which give me some night terrors and panic attacks. I just would like things to get better. I'll just have to keep going. I know there is some good stuff in the future, I just don't feel right now I deserve them, but maybe later...
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6 years, 6 months ago
10 Oct 2017 21:44 CEST
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