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AlexReynard

Intercontinental Canniballistic Missile

*Q: Two Asians and a baby-eating monster go to a restaurant. What do they order?
A: Rice; rice; baby

*Froot Loops = a gay rollercoaster

*Inflatable chickens, filled with piss.

*'You, sir, have the IQ of a squirrel's crotch.'

*'Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.'
'Describe your sin, my son.'
'I am peeing in the confessional booth right now.'

*MUFFLER: a device for keeping vaginas quiet

*Q: What's musical deodorant for?
A: Orchestra pits.

*I'm not a necrophiliac, I'm just deeply committed to recycling.

*Here's some funny shit.
Go out and buy a bottle of sleeping pills and a box of Altoids. Dump the pills out into some other container and fill the bottle up halfway or so with the Altoids. Then go over to a friend's house. As soon as you enter, go to the bathroom under the guise of taking a piss. Slip the bottle into his medicine cabinet, in the back somewhere. Then hours later, tap him on the shoulder and say, "Wanna see a trick?" Have him follow you to the bathroom. Then go to his medicine cabinet, pull out the bottle and pour the whole fucking thing in your mouth.
WARNING: Do not grab the wrong bottle by mistake or you will die.

*I eat my hamster's babies before she can get to them.

*Just imagine, in your mind, a Steinway grand piano, filled to slightly overflowing, with stale human semen.

*'I like really romantic movies. I wanna see a movie about a nice girl who meets a nice guy and he fucks her so hard her pussy turns inside out.'

*'Questions, anyone?'
'Yes, I have a question. My penis is made out of algebra.'
'That's... not even a question.'

*Q: What do you call a mythical horse with no foreskin?
A: A Jewnicorn!

*'Caucasian' means that you're the same color as an Asian, but you have more cauc.

*Is nonconsensual masturbation possible?

*Few people know that, after Martin Luther King Jr. died, he was cremated. But the floors at the funeral home had recently been cleaned and were very slippery. When the mortuary assistant was transporting King's urn, he tripped. The ashes went all over the floor. The assistant started panicking, weeping, tearing his hair; certain he was going to be fired. But his boss saw that it had been purely an accident, and patted him on the shoulder. 'You know what they say, kid. There's no sense crying over spilt MLK.'

*Rita Repulsa has a seven inch clit. With spikes on it.
Viewed: 185 times
Added: 6 years, 9 months ago
 
Gobby
6 years, 9 months ago
...What did I just read?  o__o
LeafyGreens
6 years, 9 months ago
awesomeness, that's what.
AlexReynard
6 years, 9 months ago
>...What did I just read?  o__o ...

My brain shitting all over itself.
misterebony
6 years, 9 months ago
A few nice ones here buddy. Here is a couple more, if I may:

If you think about it, the idea of giving an old man viagra is like putting a brand new flagpole on a condemned building.

If wishes were kisses, I'd still not be getting any.

Two mice eating a cat, one says it tastes purrfect.

Yeah that's all I got. I'm poor and can't afford much.

Tits.
AlexReynard
6 years, 9 months ago
I think I laughed the most at the completely unexpected tits at the end. Timing is the most important element of comedy, after all. :)
misterebony
6 years, 8 months ago
Ah. Gotcha.
FedoraFox
6 years, 9 months ago
>Intercontinental Canniballistic Missile

That'll be the name of the new Bad Religion album. It comes out July 23.

>Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.'
'Describe your sin, my son.'
'I am peeing in the confessional booth right now.'

It's the Catholic Church's fault for making those booths look like fancy outhouses.

>I eat my hamster's babies before she can get to them.

Yeah, you gotta get'em while they're fresh. They tend to go fast.

>'I like really romantic movies. I wanna see a movie about a nice girl who meets a nice guy and he fucks her so hard her pussy turns inside out.'

That description might just be the cliff-notes of a plot to a very filthy, steamy fanfic somewhere out in the dark recesses of the Internet.  

>Rita Repulsa has a seven inch clit. With spikes on it.

Yeah, Lord Zedd is into some pretty kinky shit. Why else do you think he wears that armor?
AlexReynard
6 years, 9 months ago
>That'll be the name of the new Bad Religion album. It comes out July 23.

NOT IF I CAN HELP IT!!!

>It's the Catholic Church's fault for making those booths look like fancy outhouses.

I love the fact that I can truthfully say I have pissed in a church before. Admittedly, it was in the restroom, and the place was rented after hours for a friend's graduation party, but I PISSED IN A CHURCH!!! :D

>Yeah, you gotta get'em while they're fresh. They tend to go fast.

Like meat-flavored jellybeans.

>Yeah, Lord Zedd is into some pretty kinky shit. Why else do you think he wears that armor?

Metal armor and no skin? Guy's a TOTAL masochist.
JunkBox
6 years, 9 months ago
" AlexReynard wrote:
I love the fact that I can truthfully say I have pissed in a church before. Admittedly, it was in the restroom, and the place was rented after hours for a friend's graduation party, but I PISSED IN A CHURCH!!! :D

You know what happens when you fart in church...
You sit in your own pew.
AlexReynard
6 years, 9 months ago
LeafyGreens
6 years, 9 months ago
i love these journals. i actually have a little notebook that i carry around to write funny thoughts in. mine end up being much, much cleaner than yours, though.
AlexReynard
6 years, 9 months ago
>i actually have a little notebook that i carry around to write funny thoughts in.

I have a giant .txt file for mine. It's about four hundred and fifteen pages by now.

>mine end up being much, much cleaner than yours, though.

Do you censor yourself, or does my mind just naturally go to more fucked-up places?
LeafyGreens
6 years, 9 months ago
>I have a giant .txt file for mine. It's about four hundred and fifteen pages by now.

when will it be published in its entirety?

>Do you censor yourself, or does my mind just naturally go to more fucked-up places?

the latter. i'm weirdly clean in my humour. i like dirty jokes, but i don't come up with them myself.
AlexReynard
6 years, 9 months ago
>when will it be published in its entirety?

After I die.

>the latter. i'm weirdly clean in my humour. i like dirty jokes, but i don't come up with them myself.

I like clean jokes fine, I just don't see any reason to limit myself. Sometimes the humor's sharper if you go into riskier territory. Though sometimes it's fun to see how disgustingly vulgar I can get without actually swearing. :3
LeafyGreens
6 years, 9 months ago
is it legal to use the dagger and double dagger punctuation symbols in school?
JunkBox
6 years, 9 months ago
Long as you use them to make a point, I don't think it matters that much...
LeafyGreens
6 years, 9 months ago
that was a rhetorical question >..<
JunkBox
6 years, 9 months ago
Hee hee! ;-)
AlexReynard
6 years, 9 months ago
I'm not sure what those are, actually.
LeafyGreens
6 years, 9 months ago
† <-- dagger
‡ <-- double dagger

they're basically fancy asterisks. they just tell you that there's a footnote about the thing they're attached to†.

in other, better fonts, they actually look kinda like daggers, instead of crosses >..<



† like this.
AlexReynard
6 years, 9 months ago
>they're basically fancy asterisks. they just tell you that there's a footnote about the thing they're attached to†.

I don't know that I've ever seen those before. On books maybe, but not in internet text. I'm guessing there's some insane keystrokes you have to do to get one to pop up? (I still can't do those inverted Mexican exclamation points.)
LeafyGreens
6 years, 8 months ago
the only book that i have that uses them is my copy of W. R. Espy's An Almanac of Words at Play. damn, i effing LOVE that book. if you don't have it, you should seriously get it. it's old, but SO WORTH READING.
AlexReynard
6 years, 8 months ago
Ooooo, sounds up my alley. I like word stuff.
LeafyGreens
6 years, 8 months ago
logology is fucking amazing.
JunkBox
6 years, 9 months ago
Shuffle shuffle shuffle cut deal...

 Just imagine, in your mind, a Steinway grand piano...
Eww! What a waste of a good piano.

 Q: What's musical deodorant for?
 A: Orchestra pits.
Ba-doom crash bom thunk twang clank ding thud ...what the hell? That wasn't just a drum roll, that was the whole percussion section!

  'Yes, I have a question. My penis is made out of algebra.'
I thought Algae-bra meant that the bitch really needed to change her underwear more often!

 'You, sir, have the IQ of a squirrel's crotch.'
I gotta remember that one. Had a customer today who certainly fit the description...

 I'm not a necrophiliac, I'm just deeply committed to recycling.
A Challenge from National Novel Writing Month came to mind.
Have the villain be environmentally conscious - drive a hybrid/electric car, solar powered lair, compost, recycling facilities, etc. Bonus points if the hero implies this is unusual, if the villain's allies imply this is unusual, or if the villain does not think it is unusual at all.
The best motivation I could come up with for that villain was "Utopia Justifies The Means," but your idea could work too...

 Is nonconsensual masturbation possible?
The ultimate rejection is when you masturbate and your hand goes to sleep!
AlexReynard
6 years, 9 months ago
>I thought Algae-bra meant that the bitch really needed to change her underwear more often!

No; it's what The Little Mermaid wears on her mer-tits.

>I gotta remember that one. Had a customer today who certainly fit the description...

I always read that one in Rowan Atkinson's voice.

>Have the villain be environmentally conscious - drive a hybrid/electric car, solar powered lair, compost, recycling facilities, etc. Bonus points if the hero implies this is unusual, if the villain's allies imply this is unusual, or if the villain does not think it is unusual at all.
The best motivation I could come up with for that villain was "Utopia Justifies The Means," but your idea could work too...

I like it. The best villains are always the ones who think they aren't villains. and the ones who are wholly committed to their causes are really scary since there's absolutely no reasoning with them. The bad guy from Mission Impossible 4 was a straight-up destroy-the-world-to-save-it Bond villain, and it worked. He had this understated, religious-level unshakable confidence in the goodness of his insane plan to kill everything on the planet.

>The ultimate rejection is when you masturbate and your hand goes to sleep!

Actually, making your hand numb so it feels like someone else is jerking you off is said to be very enjoyable. I haven't been able to get mine numb enough to try it though.
JunkBox
6 years, 9 months ago
" AlexReynard wrote:
Actually, making your hand numb so it feels like someone else is jerking you off is said to be very enjoyable. I haven't been able to get mine numb enough to try it though.


My hand doesn't just go numb, it hurts. Carpal tunnel is not fun!
Humbug
6 years, 9 months ago
God I love these. And it's even easy to tell when the journal's contents are going to be such because of the titles. You are clearly consistent within your madness.
AlexReynard
6 years, 9 months ago
Maybe I should shake it up then. Have a journal full of this kinda shit, but title it 'Gathering Donations For African Famine Relief'.
Humbug
6 years, 9 months ago
That would be most excellent, dude.
LeafyGreens
6 years, 8 months ago
you'd have to make it a really subtle acronym, though. because that would be even more awesome, and you could totally figure out a way to make it work.
AlexReynard
6 years, 8 months ago
Stop Hunger In The Barren African Farming Regions almost works, but the last two letters are reversed.
LeafyGreens
6 years, 8 months ago
solution: Stop Hunger In The Barren African Region Farms
AlexReynard
6 years, 8 months ago
BRILLIANT.
LeafyGreens
6 years, 8 months ago
*bows, ends up gettind raep'd by passing fox*
AlexReynard
6 years, 8 months ago
NOW I'LL HAVE RAEP.

RAEP, RAEP, RAEP.
ScottyKat
6 years, 9 months ago
ROFL its so insanely silly.. i love the last 2
AlexReynard
6 years, 9 months ago
Thanks! Glad ya enjoyed 'em. :)
JessCarrotCake
6 years, 9 months ago
<is there such a thing as nonconsintual masterbation?>
yes alex there is its when your super tired but super horny too. you just have to jack off in oreder to leep but yoou really dont want too. its true it has happened to me before. :< damn hornyness just wont let me sleep!!!!!!
AlexReynard
6 years, 9 months ago
I've had that happen to me a few times too. It's like orgasming lets all the air out of you like a balloon.
asuraludu
6 years, 9 months ago
*'You, sir, have the IQ of a squirrel's crotch.'
- I'm saving this one for the day the dean of the library pisses me off.

*'I like really romantic movies. I wanna see a movie about a nice girl who meets a nice guy and he fucks her so hard her pussy turns inside out.'
- If that aint romance, I don't know what is.

*I'm not a necrophiliac, I'm just deeply committed to recycling.
-The Captain Planet episode that was actually banned.

AlexReynard
6 years, 9 months ago
>If that aint romance, I don't know what is.

Eating her pussy during a hailstorm?

>The Captain Planet episode that was actually banned.

I thought that was the one where he fought Hitler OH WAIT THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED.
ScottyKat
6 years, 9 months ago
OH WTF REALLY???
I have No memory of that episode.  
And i WATCHED that show. XD
AlexReynard
6 years, 9 months ago
My friend, a Captain Planet fan, said the exact same thing. Apparently, it is so insane it auto-erases itself from people's memories.
ScottyKat
6 years, 9 months ago
Rofl XD
asuraludu
6 years, 9 months ago
Eating her pussy during a hailstorm?
- Everyone else uses snow for romance.  Hail is for the most metal of lovers.

one where he fought Hitler
-http://dailyhitler.blogspot.com/2010/02/tmnt-raphael-p...  Greatest Hitler moment.  Raph can't kill him as per Don's instructions, but hey a good haymaker blows alot of steam.
AlexReynard
6 years, 9 months ago
>Everyone else uses snow for romance.  Hail is for the most metal of lovers.

Fucking during a hailstorm, on top of a speeding car, with Dio singing full-blast on the radio.

>Greatest Hitler moment.  Raph can't kill him as per Don's instructions, but hey a good haymaker blows alot of steam.

I have tried to find more context for that image. I know a little later, Hitler shoots himself to avoid being dragged to hell by the turtle 'demons'.
asuraludu
6 years, 9 months ago
Fucking during a hailstorm, on top of a speeding car, with Dio singing full-blast on the radio.
>sounds like Ashleigh and Gibson's anniversary to me. and her dad can be driving the car while her mother blows him.

I have tried to find more context for that image.
>Hitler's brain went back in time to help his body win the war (darn future alien tech), and the future shell heads go to stop them.  Raph can't resist slugging the mustached moron.
AlexReynard
6 years, 9 months ago
>sounds like Ashleigh and Gibson's anniversary to me. and her dad can be driving the car while her mother blows him.

Gawd, that does fit them perfectly!

Still, it'd probably be a bit too dangerous for either Gibson or Mr. Waterbuck to condone. After they end up in Naughty though, it's perfectly possible! ;)

>Hitler's brain went back in time to help his body win the war (darn future alien tech), and the future shell heads go to stop them.  Raph can't resist slugging the mustached moron.

Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow.
asuraludu
6 years, 9 months ago
>be a bit too dangerous for either Gibson or Mr. Waterbuck to condone
Closest she'd get is a family orgy in the car while the hail is falling.  Oh the things the girls dared Gibson and Waterbuck to do.  Poor Gibson was so confused.... and yet so aroused.

>Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow.
Yeah, thats how i felt reading that issue.
Mogura
6 years, 9 months ago
if necropholes meets zombies... who is hunting who?

if the pope dies.. does he get promotet or fired?

whats the most magical drink of teh seven deserts? a dschin tonic
AlexReynard
6 years, 9 months ago
>if the pope dies.. does he get promotet or fired?

Hee hee. Nice one.

>whats the most magical drink of teh seven deserts? a dschin tonic

Not sure I get that...
Shuyo
6 years, 9 months ago
Women; can't live with 'em, can't chop 'em up into little bits, put the little bits in a plastic bag, and drop it into the sea.
AlexReynard
6 years, 9 months ago
>can't chop 'em up into little bits, put the little bits in a plastic bag, and drop it into the sea.

Says who?
OsirisPM
6 years, 9 months ago
Love this one. Never heard of a piano being wasted in such a manner, though one gentleman I know did destroy a typewriter...o.O Must have been a very sexy type writer. As for necrophilia, I always wondered if one could possibly write their will out to "recycle" one's body in just such a way. No sense wasting a perfectly good corpse.
AlexReynard
6 years, 9 months ago
>I always wondered if one could possibly write their will out to "recycle" one's body in just such a way. No sense wasting a perfectly good corpse.

This is the internet. EVERYTHING EXISTS.
OsirisPM
6 years, 9 months ago
That is brilliant! Thank you. It SHALL be filled out, and no Soap will stop me! Seriously, people should say no to "rivercrabbing" the Internet.
AlexReynard
6 years, 9 months ago
...rivercrabbing?
OsirisPM
6 years, 9 months ago
A charming term that comes to us from China. Look it up. So funny it is sad....
AlexReynard
6 years, 9 months ago
WOW. Thank you for pointing that out! That is an amazing example of the Chinese government's insane zeal to censor and control everything, and the human nature to constantly, constantly, constantly resist.

Here's to a fiercely un-harmonized society! ;D
LeafyGreens
6 years, 8 months ago
my first thought when i read the words "piano being wasted" was the infamous Piano Smasher. damn, that thing makes an awesome sound.
Kolo
6 years, 7 months ago
I shit a rainbow and puked my brains out. Through my Nose.


I like the pills trick :D
CeilYurie
4 years, 8 months ago
I think I actually just died of laughter briefly...
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