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AlexReynard

NOTICE IS HEREBY GIVEN

This notice is posted publicly to announce the following declaration:

I own the internet.

The ENTIRE internet.

I figured, it's just been sitting here all this time, and nobody's claimed it yet, so... I did. Which means it's mine now. All of it. YouTube, Tumblr, Meatspin, Amazon, Reddit, Twitter, Lemon Party, Hulu, 4chan, fchan, Paheal and www.penisland.net, plus both girls AND their cup. All mine.

However, since I am a kind and benevolent God, I have decided to let you people continue doing... whatever it is you people do on this internet thing. You will merely have to pay tribute to me daily, in the form of cash, toys or air-kisses.

Also, all Google Image searches from now on will return nothing but pictures of my butt. Sorry about that, but it's funny.

That is all.
Viewed: 158 times
Added: 7 years ago
 
Humbug
7 years ago
Actually, people have already won the Internet. Some people even won several for their witticism.
AlexReynard
7 years ago
Well, see, they won individual internets. I own the whole thing. It's like how you can have one deer or several deer.
Humbug
7 years ago
So...you only have one deer?

I'M SO CONFUSED.
AlexReynard
7 years ago
Don't worry your pretty little head about it, dear.
Humbug
7 years ago
Okay! *Goes back to being oblivious, like a good little American.*
ScottyKat
7 years ago
hehe copyright it XD.  And lol win.
AlexReynard
7 years ago
Naw, I just wanna own it, not copyright it. I'm totally okay with people torrenting things on my internet. ;)
Shuyo
7 years ago
Does that mean you own the blurred-out porn of me that somehow made it onto a Russian spam site? Because I'd like that back.
AlexReynard
7 years ago
Sorry, no. I can't stop fapping to it. You're fuckin' volcano-hot, my man.
caramelthecalf
7 years ago
all i have to do is kneel? =9
AlexReynard
7 years ago
So long as your mouth is open when you do it, yes. ;)

Tee hee.
KevinSnowpaw
7 years ago
Can I FINALLY haz my fucking cheeze burger nao?
AlexReynard
7 years ago
I'll fax one to you. :3
Humbug
7 years ago
You don't own the fax lines! D:<
AlexReynard
7 years ago
Sure I do! <faxes you some apple juice>
Humbug
7 years ago
...But I don't own a fax machine! D:>
AlexReynard
7 years ago
ARE YOU SURE...?
Humbug
7 years ago
...OHSHIT! You just faxed me a fax machine.
chaosblackwing
7 years ago
I don't suppose you'd be agreeable to using said god-like power to give trolls and their kind their own internet, totally separate from the rest of us, so they only can go after each other? Dunno about the rest of you, but to me that would be hella funny, and deliciously, hilariously fitting.
AlexReynard
7 years ago
Ehhhh, it's a good idea, but it sounds like a lot of work.
chaosblackwing
7 years ago
Hmm, yes it does rather seem like it would be. And what's the fun of owning something like that if it takes work to actually own? Never mind then.
Cloud006
7 years ago
I was worried you where dead but you where just out getting the internet no wounder it took you so long.
AlexReynard
7 years ago
Actually, I've been workin' hard on a project. Several, actually. I've partly been organizing a huge amount of files on my computer, and also a writing project. :)
Cloud006
7 years ago
Oooooooooooooooooo! a new writing project!
do tell.
AlexReynard
7 years ago
Can't just yet. Other than that my projected release date is December 15th. I am furiously working on the final proofreading right now. :3
Cloud006
7 years ago
Sweeeeeet! i look foreword to reading it.
Alfador
7 years ago
Precisely the same date as the Terraria Christmas Special!

(no really, that's what patch 1.1.1 is going to be)
ElMatto
7 years ago
Let there be more Gadget porn. Then everything will be more awesome than it is, lol.
AlexReynard
7 years ago
Every image on the internet already has subliminal Gadget porn implanted in it. Did that last February.
ElMatto
7 years ago
And I'm just now finding this out?? What the french, Toast?
Dragon6
7 years ago
*sneaks around*
Ok...so far so good....now where did he stash the master control.
*checks the area*
Dammit...I have to get rid of the butt pics..most save free porn pics
AlexReynard
7 years ago
You mean this? <holds up master control> With this device, I control all the world's internets! For instance, if I flip this switch here, 95% of YouTube's comments will become stupid.

...

Oh, wait. That switch been stuck in the 'on' position for several years now. Whoopsie!
Dragon6
7 years ago
OH SHIT!!!!!!
*tries to run away and avoid internet gods wraith*
AlexReynard
7 years ago
Nah, I'm not a wrathful god.

I'm a lustful one. ;)
Dragon6
7 years ago
*stops dead in my tracks and slow turns around*
Now why didn't you say so in the first place.
*starts slowly walking towards you with a wicked grin*
I know just what to do. Just sit back and let me work.
*materializes a length of robe*
hahaha
AlexReynard
7 years ago
<I put on my robe and wizard hat>
Alfador
7 years ago
Thought it was "I put on my robe and wizard hat"?
AlexReynard
7 years ago
Changed after I checked the original.
Dragon6
7 years ago
Now now Alfador, you should know it's NEVER a good idea to get between a dragon and its prey
*insert hungry smile*
That is if don't want to join in. I always injoy a good hunt.
Dragon6
7 years ago
Now now now just what do you think your up to, the fun can't start with out you.
HimaChita
7 years ago
I shall send you daily air-kisses then oh master of the internets. May your tubes never get clogged. *gigglechirps*
AlexReynard
7 years ago
Awwww, that's cute. <air-kisses back>
HimaChita
7 years ago
Now how do you give air tongue? *giggles madly*
AlexReynard
7 years ago
I don't know, but I am pretty sure Gene Simmons would.
HimaChita
7 years ago
I don't think so, I think his tongue would just go seek out the other and interface directly. :3
Incaros
7 years ago
Actually you kinda can't own the internet. I already tried. HUGE legal battle and now there are laws against it. Now if you try and claim the internet, they send loli cat girls to kidnap you and do...things.
Incaros
7 years ago
By the way, if you hear knocking to the tune of Mary's little lamb with giggling...RUN. Don't bother hiding. They can smell naughty bits.
AlexReynard
7 years ago
>they send loli cat girls to kidnap you and do...things.

They already tried that. So I offered the loli catgirls double what they'd been paid previously. <strokes behind kittycat ears>
Incaros
7 years ago
......where did you get THAT many shota mouse boys from?
AlexReynard
7 years ago
Trader Joe's.
justacritic
6 years, 12 months ago
.............................. I'd like to place an order....
mchollis89
7 years ago
HA Congress can go Suck It! >:D
AlexReynard
7 years ago
They often do. Well, at least the Republicans.

<rimshot>
mchollis89
7 years ago
AlexReynard
6 years, 12 months ago
Oh GAWD, I saw that a few days ago. What the fuck kind of delusional world is he living in? 'We've gotta make this here world safe for insane bigots! Otherwise Obama'll take your Bibles away and fuck your little boys!' I have rarely seen so much wrongness in so few sentences.

Though this comes close: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BjBLHTmqpNA
Sarakha
7 years ago
I'm sorry; air was never my element. I can do chocolate kisses, though. Or maybe fire. Is there an element you prefer other than air? Of course, I am negotiable to other forms of tribute - oh, wait, that's it! I'll channel to you a tributary!
AlexReynard
7 years ago
>Is there an element you prefer other than air?

The element of... SURPRISE!!!

>Of course, I am negotiable to other forms of tribute - oh, wait, that's it! I'll channel to you a tributary!

Thank you. Now I am soaking wet and have fish in my pants. :/
Alfador
7 years ago
Ooh ooh... since Pinkie Pie was based on the earlier-generation pony Surprise, and she's the Element of Laughter, does that mean your preferred element is laughter?

As for tribute, I'd take you on a Dire Maul tribute run but that content got removed patches ago.

And now I'm suddenly reminded of the time in Order of the Stick when the bad guys summoned a Chlorine Elemental to poison all living things in a particular area.
Sarakha
7 years ago
See? I'm giving you food, water, and a partial water park all at once! ^ ^
ProjectDemise
7 years ago
Reminds me of the guy (think he was an Aussie) who got a patent issued because he invented the wheel.  Since technically nobody had claimed the invention, their hands were tied.
AlexReynard
7 years ago
That's kinda damn brilliant. :)
ProjectDemise
6 years, 12 months ago
I know; I was shocked, apalled, and very impressed.  The man is a genius.
AlexReynard
6 years, 12 months ago
That's actually the response most true geniuses tend to get. In that order!
sedkitty
7 years ago
Good news!  I've just bought controlling interest in you, AlexReynard.  Bet even you didn't know you had stocks on the market.  So as of now, I own everything you own.  The Internet, your comic book collection, blackmail photos of that unfortunate incident involving the soda cans and the uncooked spaghetti, and the content of your porn directory.  Still, you're doing a pretty good job of it so far, so carry on!
AlexReynard
7 years ago
>Good news!  I've just bought controlling interest in you, AlexReynard.  Bet even you didn't know you had stocks on the market.  So as of now, I own everything you own.  The Internet, your comic book collection, blackmail photos of that unfortunate incident involving the soda cans and the uncooked spaghetti, and the content of your porn directory.  Still, you're doing a pretty good job of it so far, so carry on!

Ah, I'm afraid those stocks of yours are counterfeit. I only sell stocks of myself personally, in the form of small squares of flesh. Suitable for making soup. I'm not sure who you bought yours from, but you may want to call the authorities.
sedkitty
7 years ago
I thought it was odd that they were crayon scribbles on construction paper, but the guy assured me they were legit.  Dang.
AlexReynard
7 years ago
If you have an address, I can have Mongo and Forklift go over to his house and shake him down for you. :)
Stumpycoon
7 years ago
Thank you, Internet Lord, for your benevolent rule of and ownership of the internet.  
AlexReynard
7 years ago
>Thank you, Internet Lord, for your benevolent rule of and ownership of the internet.

Your worship is appreciated, limbless one! <anoints you with oil>
Stumpycoon
6 years, 12 months ago
Thank you, Lord Alex.
AlexReynard
6 years, 12 months ago
<steals your penis ...again>
Stumpycoon
6 years, 12 months ago
<gasp>  Where did you find that?!  And thanks for saving me!

Penises, you just can't trust them...
AlexReynard
6 years, 12 months ago
That could be a book title: Never Buy A Used Car From A Penis.
Sheylyra
7 years ago
Oh ,the owner of the Internet wants a tribute now?

*pounces Alex and kisses him passionately*

With pleasure >^.^<
AlexReynard
7 years ago
Wheeeee! Thanks! I knew this'd pay off! :3
makogrey
7 years ago
i used to own it then I took an arrow in the knee
AlexReynard
7 years ago
I used to have an arrow, but someone's knee took it.
chaosblackwing
6 years, 12 months ago
Oh wow, that's the best response to that particular meme yet, thanks for the laugh.
AlexReynard
6 years, 12 months ago
Gracias! I once wrote only boring, unfunny comments, but then I took an arrow to the frontal lobe.
Scorpiious
7 years ago
So, where would I serve papers for libel and defamation of character?

Surely, if the person who did such things to me can't be held accountable, then the owner of the Internet should stand good for it, right?
AlexReynard
7 years ago
>So, where would I serve papers for libel and defamation of character?

...Argentina?

>Surely, if the person who did such things to me can't be held accountable, then the owner of the Internet should stand good for it, right?

I'll have to consult my gigantic law books here. <read, read, read> Nope! <runs off quickly>
Scorpiious
7 years ago
Lololol
justacritic
7 years ago
Great now we have an owner of the internet, now if we can only steal back our television and radio...
What don't look at me like that, radio is still a viable media, I blame old fogies
AlexReynard
7 years ago
>What don't look at me like that, radio is still a viable media, I blame old fogies

Actually, if radio is no longer relevant, I blame the fact that it's pretty much controlled totally by advertisers. There's a reason people still think of movies as more of an art form than radio or TV, though product placement is slowly killing that idea.
Blackraven2
7 years ago
Viva la revolution!!!!!

liberate les internets d'ordinateurs!
Il imperator terribilé Alex Réinârd fêches la mouche tout le monde.
Rien ne va plus!

liberté, egalité, gouliottiné!

*adds a french airkiss*

(ps: yeah thats actually pretty much all the "french" I could stumble together )
AlexReynard
7 years ago
>(ps: yeah thats actually pretty much all the "french" I could stumble together )

All I know is you mentioned guillotines and that got my attention. :)
Blackraven2
6 years, 12 months ago
*hihi*, I assumed as much ;)   Though I didn't know that "goulliottiner"  (to goulliotine) even was a verb - I had made that up, but my dictionary says it actually is - YAY :)


AlexReynard
6 years, 12 months ago
>Though I didn't know that "goulliottiner"  (to goulliotine) even was a verb - I had made that up, but my dictionary says it actually is - YAY :)

Neato! I think I've done that with a few words before. Like, make a portmanteau of two words out of convenience, then find out it's actually in existence.
FedoraFox
7 years ago
And lo, the Lord Alex of the Reynard declared on the eleventh of the twelfth month at twenty three hours and elevent minutes Eastern Standard Time on the year two-thousand and eleven, "Let there be Internet" and thus our Lord and Saviour of all things cute and furry had dominion over the vast expanse we know call our Internet. And he tooketh upon him the memes and the wikis and the imageboards and lolcats and the bronies and the Rule 34 and the torrents and the television tropes and the social networks and so and so forth. And thus the Lord looked uponeth it and saw it was good or maybe bad or maybe somewhere in the middle. And thus our Lord did smile and feasted upon the Banquet of A Thousand Pizza, Doughnuts and Dr. Pepper.

Genesis 1:1 (The Alex Reynard Version)
AlexReynard
7 years ago
>Genesis 1:1 (The Alex Reynard Version)

<applause> Nice! You got pretty much everything right, except I much prefer Cheez-Its to doughnuts.
shadycat
7 years ago
Hallelujah brothers and sisters! Can I get an amen?!
KintoMythostian
7 years ago
Well fuck. It never fails. You buy someone the perfect Christmas gift and then they go and get it for themselves.
AlexReynard
7 years ago
Hee hee! Well, I still need a good gasoline-powered backscratcher/sandwich cleaner.
justacritic
7 years ago
How about Yiff in a Can?
AlexReynard
6 years, 12 months ago
Yiff On A Stick?
justacritic
6 years, 12 months ago
Yiff on a Stick 4X4 Animal Style?
AlexReynard
6 years, 12 months ago
Haven't heard of that. Is it new? Can I get it at Walmart?
justacritic
6 years, 12 months ago
I believe its Yiff with 16 other people all doing it doggy style though I may be wrong about the doggy style =P
Also it might be a special order item
JessCarrotCake
7 years ago
ok firts fuck you all <if you really want me to then just ask :)> i already knew that alexreynard was the god, the god of everything including my heart which he can do whatever he wishes to. i was his FIRST AND ONLY NUMBER 1 FAN. and alex dont forget.... wait oh crud i forgot oh well time for something perverted that you love *kisses you nnstop and then cts head off withwith katanna* hehe ALEXREYNARD RULES
AlexReynard
6 years, 12 months ago
Enthusiastic, aintcha? :)

>including my heart which he can do whatever he wishes to.

<sprays whipped cream on it; eats it like a strawberry shortcake>
asuraludu
6 years, 12 months ago
Well then I must apologize in advance for the future pictures I shall post, because they may well make the interwebs kinda sticky.  With much uncontrollable giggling.
AlexReynard
6 years, 12 months ago
That is certainly not something to apologize for, amigo. ;D
JessCarrotCake
6 years, 12 months ago
oh be still my beating heart wih is currently in your stomach. oh and by the way please answer my messages im starting to worry. *puts tail between legs and tarts to shake* dont you like me anymore
justacritic
6 years, 12 months ago
Don't worry, Alex is rather busy at times, what with everybody including others and me sending him pics, fics, and candy cane licks. I'm surprised he has the time to answer back at all
LandonFox
6 years, 12 months ago
AlexReynard
6 years, 12 months ago
Bloody hell, I can't find it now, but that reminded me of a clip from a sitcom where two guys convince a not-very-tech-savvy girl that the entire internet is contained in a tiny box that's kept inside Big Ben.
JessCarrotCake
6 years, 12 months ago
heh you know alex your account picture is very cute *kisses you on the snout* and so are you
AlexReynard
6 years, 12 months ago
Thanks! :)
JessCarrotCake
6 years, 11 months ago
your welcome oh beezlebub of the internet *bows down* may you rule us with great but sex tehe
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