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I hate TV crime shows.

So. So. Fucking. Much.

As I've said before, the only one I really enjoy is NCIS (something I recently found out several of my RL friends love too). While NCIS has actual characters and amusing dialogue, say, Law and Order: Special Fuckwit Unit has wooden mannequins and a script that was produced by army ants marching drunkenly over a piece of paper after they'd finished the bourbon and accidentally started on the laxative.

Not to say that there aren't amusing crime dramas out there aside from just this one. However, the typical format of a crime drama simply fucking blows - and the common tropes are so teeth-grindingly painful and overdone that I fail to see why anyone watches even one of the two-hundred and fifty billion crime shows on TV, let alone multiple.

The light-hearted ones, or the ones that have less of a focus on civil crime are great. Castle is okay. Bones is pretty damn good. But I'm just sick and tired of even hearing that someone may be a little bit of a fan of bullshit like CSI and SVU.

You have no taste in television. Christ, you have no soul. To like Law and Order: SVU, you must be a ginger. There is no other possible explanation, and I hope leprechauns come down your chimney at night and suffocate you with a stuffed turkey.

If you can't tell I'm being facetious, then here's your heads up. I'm taking the piss.

But seriously, even in the good shows you encounter the same nonsense. I just caught a scene where a perky, young, attractive female cop was interviewing a suspect they had nothing a motive for believing he killed someone and she's getting into his face, accusing him of lying, of murder, questioning his manhood ("You expect me to believe that you knew your boss was cheating on your wife and you did nothing about it?") and generally being confrontational.

To the credit of the writers, the cops' super-awesome "always right" sense didn't come into play, and this guy was not the culprit. No apology, not even the slightest bit of regret.

There are two dangers to acting like such a cunt when you're interviewing someone, especially when you're so wildly off the mark. Firstly, they'll tell you to fuck off. Secondly, you run the risk of securing false confessions (which is a big factor when you consider how many cases the police prosecute based on confessions - the majority).

This is just dumb. All I can imagine is the guy suddenly punching the woman in the chops before sitting down again, perfectly immobile as if he had never moved.
But hey, first rules of crime dramas: police can do no wrong, and things like 'mistrials' and civil rights do nothing but protect criminals, man! We civilians, uh, I mean, criminals - them, not us! - have too many rights!

Moving on from that, what the hell is the deal with the accused always randomly cracking and spilling the beans, telling the entire story of their crime, their complex motivations and circumstances, revealing the big "whodunnit"... in a half-minute "emotional" blurb?

Can't we do better than that? And it's funny how not only are so many suspects brought in without a mention of a lawyer, but those half-minute revelation-blurbs always happen before the genius criminal mastermind thinks to ask for one.

For fuck's sake. I can handle a little bit of "un-realism" and a little bit of police-fellatio. Damn, I even liked the Bad Boys movies. There's full-blown cock-sucking of the NYPD (and CIA) in my first novel; I don't hate cops. But can the writers of these shows try to be at least a little bit creative? And by creative, I don't mean trying to convince the public that cops work with "mentalists" and "mediums" and people who can read "micro-expressions" that turn them into infallible, morally-righteous (but ever so quirky!) crime solving machines.

Here's a tip. A serious one. You don't talk to the police. Period. Absofuckinglutely never.

Anyone who does any of these things is portrayed as definitely the bad guy, and a smug, dishonest dickhead too. Unfortunately, the reasons why you don't talk to the police have nothing to do with being a smug criminal that knows how to avoid jail-time with "technicalities" and everything to do with protecting yourself from stupid, cruel, jaded or over-zealous cops who will trick, trap and prosecute you for things you didn't even know were illegal. Or, if you're a minor, intimidating you into a confession for anything from shoplifting you didn't do to raping your sister because they just want to go home and have a few beers, beat off to some porn and go to bed.
Not all cops are bad, but the ones that do this often don't consider themselves to be being bad. Comprende?

You get a lawyer, then you sit in the chair as silently as possible, preferably wearing your bunny ears and staring unnervingly at the cops' noses until they fucking go cross-eyed. For best effect, do this while slurping a milkshake.

Then go home, have a few beers, beat off and watch anything that fucking is not Law and Order, you soulless flesh golem.
And if it's a Dirty Harry movie you feel like, make sure to watch the second one.

PS: if you honestly believe that bollocks about "forensics" and "mentalists" you need to punch yourself in the stomach right now. As for "mediums"...  www.twopercentco.com/rants/allison_dubois_week.html
As always, going to remind everyone that I haven't got an issue with police in general. Wanted to be a cop, currently have a novel out that vaunts the ever-living shit out of the NYPD. If you think I'm being a conspiracy-nut anti-government loon, you're a complete idiot that needs to stop idolizing people in uniforms.

Also, watch that youTube video. That guy is a fucking FANTASTIC lecturer. I want to be in his class, dammit.
Viewed: 41 times
Added: 7 years, 7 months ago
7 years, 7 months ago
I remember thinking NCIS was unappealing to me, so I never really watched it until recently, since my friend watches it. Now I love it. <3
7 years, 7 months ago
NCIS is nice, all the others I've watched, save for the few episodes of Bones that I've seen... I shake my head.
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