So, it's a bit of a long story...

I posted this on FA a while back: https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/6889619 I'll repost it here, now that I have my password back:

Hey guys! I want you to know that I’m doing okay. Better than ever, in fact!

I’ve been indecisive about writing this. Part of me just wanted to keep it in the past...

But...I decided to write this because some of you were concerned about my disappearance some years back, and I want you to know what happened. I think it's a little unfair to not share what's going on. I’m writing this from a place of calm, thoughtful recollection, and that I’m coming from a happy place, now. There may be interesting news for you all in the future, too. We’ll see what happens!

This is super long. I share this because people care. I don’t want a pity party, or attention. I figure if you’re bothering to read this, you probably care. (You may not exactly be happy, but that’s okay, too!)

I think I honestly started seriously burning out and losing interest in furry fandom as early as 2005. It just stopped feeling fun for me, and the feeling got worse as the years went by. It would be weeks, months at a time before I could say anything in the fandom made me smile, let alone laugh. Smiles and laughter drive me; instead, I often just felt saddened, disappointed, or angry at the things I’d see. It was definitely not my idea of fun!

I burned out really hard at my job in 2006. It turns out that burnout and depression overlap pretty heavily. I am pretty sure by this point I had full-blown depression. (Depression isn't just feeling sad, but it's a sense of hopelessness, numbness, and I stopped feeling anything at all. I really should have gotten treatment for it, but I was mistakenly just thinking it meant sadness. No. It’s worse than that.)

I lost my job of six years in early 2008. I was unemployed for a year, got a job briefly, then was unemployed again in 2010. I wasn't unemployed because nothing was available. I was unemployed because I felt hopeless and gave up completely. I just sort of stopped caring. It’s interesting to note that in 2010, I weighed over 280 pounds (127 kg). Depression sucks, kids.

In other areas of my life, I now understand that I was doing a terrible job of managing my social circles, as it were. In an effort to not alienate anyone, I was an extremely passive doormat. I did not stand up for myself. In any sufficiently large social group, there are awesome people, a lot of "okay" people of varying degrees, and some awful people. I was a bit of a doormat, in that I kind of let the people on the bad end of the spectrum take up a lot of my time and energy. So, rather than “the fandom” leaving me feeling good, I tended to feel worse about it. My unhappiness and frustration festered and increased.

I was also really unhappy with the direction my artwork was taking. Most of you have been nothing but extremely supportive in my endeavors, and believe me, I appreciate that! I started drawing because it was fun. Over the years I think I focused a bit too much on what was fun for others, and not what was fun for me. Years ago, every time I'd draw or post something here, that feeling of happiness was gone. I hated everything I drew.

When I first found the fandom in 1996, I think I really wanted to focus on drawing cute and funny artwork, and maybe tell engaging stories. I wanted something that left people feeling happy, warm and fuzzy. If not that, I perhaps my audience would leave feeling thoughtful. I think I wanted something that could touch people’s hearts, something to remember. I got a bit distracted, though.

Sexy, smutty artwork is fine and very fun, but I think I felt my art—and smut in general—lacks warmth and soul. Like, characters' personalities disappear as soon as the clothes come off. I had this nagging feeling like smut was forgettable as soon as someone was done fapping to it.

I think I was greatly disappointed when I realized how I just had given up trying to be funny, or drawing anything just for the sake of cuteness. I think I felt disappointed at how I felt my art was forgettable. I felt discouraged and disappointed with how stagnant I felt my art was. So…on top of everything else, I gave up. I stopped.

I also mistakenly believed at the time that furry fandom was just an awful fandom. I only saw the negatives and my own suffering. Now, I see that all fandoms have a dark side. They also have an awesome side. You really have to take an active part in managing it well. (I was on a lot of furry snark communities. Those really aren’t healthy for you at all.)

So, I played a lot of World of Warcraft. I played WoW purely to escape, because I hated my art, I hated my job/joblessness, I hated my fandom, and I think I started hating myself. I was pretty much a huge ball of self-loathing since 2005. I desperately wanted something new.

Here is a very important note: I have been a fan of My Little Pony since the 80s. I didn't go advertising this because I felt it was a bit awkward. It sucked to have to hide my interest my whole life. So, My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic comes out in 2010. I watched the show the day after the first episode premiered, and I was hooked!

Pony was and is cute, and fun, and actually made me laugh, something I really and desperately needed. Unlike my time in furry, I felt I could participate in the fandom and actually have fun! People made cute and touching pictures, stories, great music, and all of it just touched me deeply in a way I wasn’t getting from furry fandom. What’s more, other guys liked ponies, too! It felt awesome to finally be able to share something that meant so much to me with others!

I realized that this was the kind of content I had really wanted to be creating—not necessarily pony, but something warm, sweet, funny, cute, something that just gives your heart a big hug, because I think people really need that!

So, I cut ties with furry because I hated my artwork, and I wasn't having fun anymore. I was tired of what I perceived as constant negativity and drama. I never posted a good-bye message because I just saw it as potentially more drama, and I think I had just stopped caring about furry completely. (Also, something I know not to be true, now. It’s really unfair to my watchers to assume that of you all. I also understand now that sometimes people get upset/angry/etc. because they care!)

Fast forward a few years to 2015, and I felt like trying to go to a furry con again. Maybe I didn't hate the fandom. I went to Fur Squared as a fan, and I had a RIDICULOUSLY AWESOME time! I saw the "Whose Lion Is It Anyway" panel, and I DIED LAUGHING. I was in TEARS! It was so much good fun.

And, at that moment, it all made sense. I understand that all fandoms absolutely can and will have awful elements. All fandoms will have awesome ones, too. If you have enough adult fans centered around a thing, at some point there will be a "dark side". Your fandom's dark side will vary in size depending on the fandom, but it's there. It's really up to you as a person to manage your own social circle, and what content you're seeing. If your social circle is draining you without giving you anything back, find a new one. If your content makes you hate what you see, find better content. Almost all of what I hated about furry fandom, essentially, was what I hated about the bad parts of humanity. As long as a fandom has human beings in it, it’ll have human being problems. I really needed to find better human beings to hang with. :)

I’m feeling pretty darned happy. As of this message, I lost over 70 pounds (down to 208)! I look thinner than I have in 15 years. I also have a developed a fair bit of muscle! I’m feeling good about life!

If I were to draw smut again, I think I’d want it to be funny. Maybe I'd try to capture characters' personalities in it. I'd want to tell a story. I'd want to tell a funny, sexy story. Or maybe I’d just want to tell a cute story. Or funny story. I’d probably do a variety of stuff, honestly.

What happens now? Who knows!

This account is going to stay inactive. I am not going to use it anymore. I've also decided that my old fursona, "Tremaine", is dead, too.

Currently, you can find me at

ArrJaySketch

(or

ArrJaySketch,

ArrJaySketch, or

ArrJaySketch). It’s entirely MLP artwork right now. It probably will be for awhile, but I like the option of doing something different. (I suppose I never left. I just wanted to try something different for awhile.)

One day, should I feel like doing naughty art, you may or may not find it at

ArrJayAfterDork

I don’t have plans to accept requests, or commissions. I’m not planning to go to any conventions. Right now, I’m just drawing for fun, for myself, and mostly just trying to gain some self-confidence back. I also learned that if you stop drawing, it’s really scary how quickly you lose skills.