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Adilor

Admissions, Apologies, and Alterations (a please read to everyone)

by
I've been doing some thinking lately...no, that's a fucking terrible way to start this. Besides, lately is not a good word to describe how long I've been pondering on this, not to mention the fact that it's needed to be done for longer.

I've wronged a fair number of people over my time on this earth of ours. Generally it's not my direct intention. More often, it's my lack of action that hurts others, like my negligence to voice my opinions or problems. It's a terrible, terrible flaw, and it's something I doubt I'll ever get over. Others I've wronged just through simply being myself. There was a time during which I tried to be friends with everyone. Many times I hid certain aspects of myself, solely in the interest of making friends. I have my wonderful sweetheart Abbey to thank for bringing a new sort of standard to my life, summed up in one quote. "It's better to be hated for who you're are than loved for something you aren't." I've been trying to take this completely to heart, which most significantly, involves being more open with my cub side. It's been a while since I've accepted the fact that I like boys a lot more than girls, and now the next hurdle is dropping any semblance of facade about my other decisions about who I want to be. I need to stop hiding it. I don't regret this lifestyle choice one bit; what I do regret is how I've hidden this truth from others over time.

So, the first big point of this journal is yes, to out myself. Maybe it's not as big as that, given how open I've been as of late on Twitter and IRC, but I still want to state my piece on it. I'm a babyfur, and not everyone is going to like me for it. I'm sure this will attract attention, both positive and negative. New friends will be made, old friends will be lost. The ones I can call true friends will accept me for who I am, and I already realize this. The negativity will be shrugged off, and while I can't say it won't affect me, I'm going to do my best to let it take only the most minimal of toll on me.

The second big point of this journal highlights on a few more specific individuals. Like I stated, I've wronged a number of individuals, and for some of these, I have quite a lot of regret. I know I can never completely right any of these, but I still feel like I need to make these apologies. This part, specifically, has been in the making for a long time, and needed to happen some time ago.

Firstly, to Zander and Skylar. The best way I can put it into words is that I feel like I wasted your time and attention. I have nothing but the utmost thanks for what you two tried to do for me. It was a very bold, very impulsive decision. I regret making it, but not because of you two. I regret specifically leaving what I had. I at least had some semblance of stability before the move, and things did not go fantastically down there, as we saw. I feel like I didn't give you two a proper chance. It was too easy for me to lapse into my own, individual, hermit-like lifestyle. This is still something I need to change. To wrap up this point, please don't think that it was specifically you two that pushed me away. The climate alone was a huge factor; I know I wouldn't be surviving down there. I had problems in February, when it was only pushing into the 80s, and it seemed as though my allergies never stopped. In a way, I got homesick for the northwest, and of course, I found someone I could really love. My heart pulled me back north, being a stronger force than anything that could be considered to be pushing me away.

Secondly, a blanket apology to a lot of furs. I have some communication issues. I have difficulty when it comes to speaking my mind, especially on significant problems. I also have a very bad way about losing touch with people that I do actually care about and enjoy talking to. Unless I've specifically told you that I don't want to speak with you, never assume this is the case with me. I'm very passive and introverted by nature, and it's not often that I initiate conversations; usually when I do, it's business, or I specifically need something, which I realize makes me seem even worse of character. So, to those of you that do care about me, I want to hear from you. Even if it's just a simple hi, how have you been, it does mean something to me. I understand that the rift created will be too great for some, and I completely respect your decision to keep the silence, be you one of those.

Third, to all the artists that have ever done anything for me, commissioned or gifts. Aside from a few of you, I've been in extreme neglect when it comes to posting what you've done. At some point relatively soon, I'll be rounding up all the images of me and posting them, as many of I can to FA, and everything to IB, giving due credit, of course. I appreciate every piece, and I should be showing that appreciation.

Lastly, to those I didn't notify when I moved, twice. This kinda goes along with my communication issues. I know several of you were saddened, and some upset with me, to find out that I'd packed up and left without saying anything. Just know that I never meant to deliberately hide it.

The third point I'd like to hit in this journal is about myself. Specifically, the persona known as Aethos Dirakuu Loricandis is no more. When I made that name, I was significantly different. I've changed a lot over time. I've matured, shrugged off some old ways, and picked up new habits and behaviors. I'll still be Adilor. That old name, while no longer so accurate, still does have historical significance. It will remain such, in the same way it always has, compressed into the name you all know. Adilor Solthaer will be the new moniker. It represents me making some personal changes, my gaze focused on making my future better, and doing what I can to minimize and rectify the negativity from my past.

I'm trying. I know I have a lot to accomplish, but I'm trying.

tl;dr Go fucking read the whole thing. This actually has great emotional significance to me, and if that's not something you care about, then it doesn't apply to you.
Viewed: 53 times
Added: 7 years ago
 
Gobby
7 years ago
I am constantly surprised by how similar we are on some things.  It's only recently that I've taken a more active role in my social life, but before I pretty much just let everyone come to me, and I am guilty of strategically hiding aspects of myself from people if I think that it will make things easier in the short term.  I've come to realize that it's not the amount of friends that you have, but rather the quality of the ones you have that matter.  If you spend too much time hiding in plain sight you'll go nuts!

Keep it up though!  You can change.  :3
yaegashi
7 years ago
hmmm don;t think I've ever actually talked to you before... only just been a fan of yours and your work from the past. Just thought I would say that it's good to see you taking such a long look over everything. I'm glad your going forward with everything and I look forward to seeing more artwork from you in the future. As to whether or not your a babyfur or a cub or anything else you chose to be that's really your choice... and more power to you. I'd rather you be happy and yourself then try to be something your not. Besides half the artists I watch on here are cubs/babyfur artists. *chuckles* seems to be the place really.

Long comment short... nice meeting you... I'm Wes... more power to your mission.
Acelionheart
7 years ago
you'll always be my pal buddy*hugs tight*
Ultratails42
7 years ago
*hugs* You know I am always around for foxy *pets*
zander
7 years ago
After you disappeared, I often wondered what we did to make you hate us so much.  To leave without even so much as a goodbye after you spent three months with us...  I was left wondering if there was something we did to deserve something like that.  Not hearing a single word from you for at least six months and no effort to communicate with us until now has been pretty painful...  I don't think a single day went by without at least one thought going through my head wondering why you chose to do what you did and whether or not we did something to deserve it.

We really tried to bring you into our family.  To be a part of what Skylar and I have together.  We had hoped you would want to join our family when you came down and be a part of everything with us.  We tried having magic nights nights every week where we could all have fun together with friends.  I had hoped you knew how much we wanted another cub in our lives.  Skylar really wanted another babyfur to hang out with and do babyfur stuff with since I'm not that much of a babyfur myself and I would have loved having a nephew to take care of.  Instead, we got the impression that we were less important to you than everything else you did by yourself in your room.  We wanted to share everything with you, good times and bad.  I know how much you hated the weather, that much was not your fault or ours.  I did try my best to help you with your allergies by buying you medication and just nothing helped.  

You did always confine yourself in your room though and instead of trying to be a part of the family with us you decided that the bulk of your time would be better spent playing games by yourself or chatting with people who weren't physically there with you.  We always waited for you to come out of your room and watch movies with us and play games with us but instead of doing it on your own, most of the time we had to come and get you and a lot of the time it was met with a "nah, I'll pass".  We kind of stopped looking for you after a while since you pretty much made it clear to us through the way you acted that you'd rather be alone instead of with us.  All we wanted is for you to be happy, and if it wasn't with us then so be it.  You never even told us you wanted to leave until I saw a journal you posted on Inkbunny and asked you about it.  Then you told me that you'd be leaving that weekend.  Telling us that you were going to be leaving when we had time and the ability to say goodbye and wish you well is one thing.  Picking up and disappearing while we were at work is another...  

I'm not saying we were perfect.  I'm sure we did some things that you didn't like during your time here.  But I didn't think anything we did warranted that.  You offended both of us pretty badly and while we don't really hold a grudge against you, I don't think we can go back to acting like nothing ever happened just yet.  What you did hurt both of us pretty deeply and you of all people should  know that neither of us are very easy to offend.  

I'm happy that you're finally finding out who you really are and making some better life choices for yourself and I wish you the best.  If you want to try to make repairs with us though you have to know that it will not be easy and that it will take time for you to earn our trust back and for us to really open up to you.  
Adilor
7 years ago
I know I messed up. I know I didn't try hard enough to integrate myself. I really don't blame either of you for any of this, nor do I blame you for having the lasting feelings toward me that you do.

Like I said, I have some social problems. There've been several times in the months past that I've thought about you two. It would be so easy for me to just send a message, say hi. It would've been so easy for me to have kept in contact all that time. Why didn't I? I have no clue. I don't quite understand myself when it comes to these flaws I deal with on a daily basis.

I can't really explain the choices I made, or failed to make. I know I made some mistakes. I'm not going to try to excuse them away. It may sound somewhat clichéd, but if I could rewind, take those bad decisions back and make better ones, I would. I really did enjoy the times we spent together, even if I didn't show it. You two did have a positive impact upon my life. I feel bad when I think about what I did; I feel like I took extreme advantage of the offer you extended to me, and I realize the hurt I inflicted upon you two. Were it not for me finding such strong love for Abbey, I might still be down there.

I'm sorry, Zander. My priorities were all wrong, and trust me when I say this isn't the first time it's happened. It's a problem that's plagued me through my whole life. It's a wonder that I've scraped through this far. Maybe you could've been the guiding force that would've helped me break some of that, and I just failed to open up and accept it.

I'm not asking for things to just revert, go back to normal, etc. What's done is done, and there's no changing that. I just want you two to know that I realize how much of a failure I was. You introduced me to some cool things and people, and I feel like I just took that all for granted, giving very little in return. Despite how selfless I try to be, I really was so selfish, and I hate myself for it. I would like for things to at least go back to being friendly. I'd like to at least be able to, when we do inevitably meet again (probably FC (though I won't be making it this year (maybe))), walk up to you, give you a hug, and genuinely say that I've missed you, or that I'm happy to see you, etc.

Nobody's perfect, for sure. Some just put actual effort towards being closer to it. I need to get myself up to par.
Shokuji
6 years, 11 months ago
Sorry I'm so late to this journal. Glad to see you're working on some things. I dare say we all have things to work on, so don't think you're alone. Feels nice to 'come clean', don't have to worry about who you said what to. Just be yourself, have less stress, gain/retain real friends, move on with your life. =3 Talk to ya later. ^_^
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