I've been doing some thinking lately...no, that's a fucking terrible way to start this. Besides, lately is not a good word to describe how long I've been pondering on this, not to mention the fact that it's needed to be done for longer.
I've wronged a fair number of people over my time on this earth of ours. Generally it's not my direct intention. More often, it's my lack of action that hurts others, like my negligence to voice my opinions or problems. It's a terrible, terrible flaw, and it's something I doubt I'll ever get over. Others I've wronged just through simply being myself. There was a time during which I tried to be friends with everyone. Many times I hid certain aspects of myself, solely in the interest of making friends. I have my wonderful sweetheart Abbey to thank for bringing a new sort of standard to my life, summed up in one quote. "It's better to be hated for who you're are than loved for something you aren't." I've been trying to take this completely to heart, which most significantly, involves being more open with my cub side. It's been a while since I've accepted the fact that I like boys a lot more than girls, and now the next hurdle is dropping any semblance of facade about my other decisions about who I want to be. I need to stop hiding it. I don't regret this lifestyle choice one bit; what I do regret is how I've hidden this truth from others over time.
So, the first big point of this journal is yes, to out myself. Maybe it's not as big as that, given how open I've been as of late on Twitter and IRC, but I still want to state my piece on it. I'm a babyfur, and not everyone is going to like me for it. I'm sure this will attract attention, both positive and negative. New friends will be made, old friends will be lost. The ones I can call true friends will accept me for who I am, and I already realize this. The negativity will be shrugged off, and while I can't say it won't affect me, I'm going to do my best to let it take only the most minimal of toll on me.
The second big point of this journal highlights on a few more specific individuals. Like I stated, I've wronged a number of individuals, and for some of these, I have quite a lot of regret. I know I can never completely right any of these, but I still feel like I need to make these apologies. This part, specifically, has been in the making for a long time, and needed to happen some time ago.
Firstly, to Zander and Skylar. The best way I can put it into words is that I feel like I wasted your time and attention. I have nothing but the utmost thanks for what you two tried to do for me. It was a very bold, very impulsive decision. I regret making it, but not because of you two. I regret specifically leaving what I had. I at least had some semblance of stability before the move, and things did not go fantastically down there, as we saw. I feel like I didn't give you two a proper chance. It was too easy for me to lapse into my own, individual, hermit-like lifestyle. This is still something I need to change. To wrap up this point, please don't think that it was specifically you two that pushed me away. The climate alone was a huge factor; I know I wouldn't be surviving down there. I had problems in February, when it was only pushing into the 80s, and it seemed as though my allergies never stopped. In a way, I got homesick for the northwest, and of course, I found someone I could really love. My heart pulled me back north, being a stronger force than anything that could be considered to be pushing me away.
Secondly, a blanket apology to a lot of furs. I have some communication issues. I have difficulty when it comes to speaking my mind, especially on significant problems. I also have a very bad way about losing touch with people that I do actually care about and enjoy talking to. Unless I've specifically told you that I don't want to speak with you, never assume this is the case with me. I'm very passive and introverted by nature, and it's not often that I initiate conversations; usually when I do, it's business, or I specifically need something, which I realize makes me seem even worse of character. So, to those of you that do care about me, I want to hear from you. Even if it's just a simple hi, how have you been, it does mean something to me. I understand that the rift created will be too great for some, and I completely respect your decision to keep the silence, be you one of those.
Third, to all the artists that have ever done anything for me, commissioned or gifts. Aside from a few of you, I've been in extreme neglect when it comes to posting what you've done. At some point relatively soon, I'll be rounding up all the images of me and posting them, as many of I can to FA, and everything to IB, giving due credit, of course. I appreciate every piece, and I should be showing that appreciation.
Lastly, to those I didn't notify when I moved, twice. This kinda goes along with my communication issues. I know several of you were saddened, and some upset with me, to find out that I'd packed up and left without saying anything. Just know that I never meant to deliberately hide it.
The third point I'd like to hit in this journal is about myself. Specifically, the persona known as Aethos Dirakuu Loricandis is no more. When I made that name, I was significantly different. I've changed a lot over time. I've matured, shrugged off some old ways, and picked up new habits and behaviors. I'll still be Adilor. That old name, while no longer so accurate, still does have historical significance. It will remain such, in the same way it always has, compressed into the name you all know. Adilor Solthaer will be the new moniker. It represents me making some personal changes, my gaze focused on making my future better, and doing what I can to minimize and rectify the negativity from my past.
I'm trying. I know I have a lot to accomplish, but I'm trying.
tl;dr Go fucking read the whole thing. This actually has great emotional significance to me, and if that's not something you care about, then it doesn't apply to you.
