Recent events have caused me to question what I'm doing with my life, whether I really am a good person or not, and whether my problems are my own fault or if I'm just a victim of circumstance. I've not been able to communicate well on Pojo, because I keep on pissing off elitists and getting into flame wars with them, I get called a stalker by people for posting up a headshot of someone I'm trying to reconnect with, I keep failing to find a taker for my walrus toy designs (and when I try to warn people against DamnAverage's fickle temper, I get assaulted), and now I get my tumblr torn down for posting my shota commissions on there. Some of these I admit are short-sightedness on my part, but the line between what is my fault and what is theirs is blurring, and it's hard for me to see where one ends and the other begins.
I've been growing tired of living; I don't have any RL friends, very little online friends, I feel like I can't make good work without it being ignored or criticized, and I've been in an endless spiral of depression over constant denials for SSI and being put on and kicked off of medical insurance because of the aforementioned lack of SSI. I feel like my therapists and psychiatrists don't care about me, and if it wasn't for the fact that it would be too difficult to do, and we're shackled here by my boyfriend's desire to help his ailing parents, I'd be moving out of this state in an instant, I hate it so much.
I honestly feel like I need a break from it all, something to recenter myself, something to allow me a fresh start. I'm seriously contemplating dropping my current fursona for the time being and starting anew with a new one, but I'm not sure how well that'll work out; I'm afraid that people who know me won't adjust very well, and that the drama from my old fursona will follow me, if/when people realize my new fursona is me. I've had a few lucky breaks, but they've always been drowned out by the bad shit that keeps filling my life, and I'm getting sick of it.
So sorry if I drop out for a while, or if you see someone new pop up while this account goes dead. I'm not sure how long it'll be, or if I'll ever return to this fursona. All I know is that I'm tired, I'm sick, and I need something good in my life for once. Ironic how I have wings, but can't do anything with them...
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8 years, 7 months ago
18 Sep 2015 17:11 CEST
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