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Gobby

Shifts in Perspective

by
It's late, which means its time to get all philosophical and self-reflective.

Awhile ago I wiped my gallery.  After the depression wore off and I rubbed my temples, wondering why the hell I did it, I decided that instead of re-upload everything I would wait and see what the reaction would be.  A little bit of social experimentation in the wake of despair never hurt anyone, right?

At first, the results were disappointing.  No one noticed or commented, wondering where my gallery went.  It was as if I had suddenly vanished and no one perceived my passing, or perhaps they just didn't care.  At the same time, the deafening silence was sobering.  I began to wonder just exactly what I had expected the reaction to my sudden disappearance to be.

Of course, in your imagination you're the star of the metaphorical movie that is life.  The passing of a main character isn't met with apathy, nor does it go unnoticed.  At the very least it is accompanied by melancholy strings and a choir of grieving loved ones.  If this were real life, I have no doubt that if I had suddenly vanished I'd leave behind some concerned friends and family.  But this isn't "real life" we're talking about, it's the purge of my artistic presence from an online community.  Suffice to say, I came to realize that I was treating this much too seriously.

When your beliefs are challenged, there is always a period of adjustment.  Even something as seemingly trivial as how important one might be within his own perceived community causes a bit of discomfort as neurons slog about in the trenches to acclimate to this new data.  I still don't know exactly what I expected, but I know I believed I was much more important than the results would suggest.

Shifts in perspective can be a bit uncomfortable, but also enlightening.  After my ego was confined to the dungeon, I realized that I felt something else that I hadn't in awhile: relief.  While it's true that I don't create art frequently, I felt guilty about it, as if I was expected to and that I was letting my imagined "fans" down by not posting more often.  Delusional much?  Worse still, I let my own impossible expectations weigh too heavily on my mental health.  Over and over the cycle continued, until it came to a head.

As a result of a journal I had posted prior to purging my gallery, one of my friends decided to cut off contact with me.  We exchanged a short round of PM's and then that was it.  Blocked and presumably forgotten.  

The conversation wasn't pretty.  I've been called a lot of things, but I had never considered myself a drama-whore, or that what I did while under the duress of my damnable depression could be construed somehow as malicious.  In a way, it was these accusations that caused me to leave my gallery blank.  It was tempting to draw attention to this new development,l but I decided against it.  I could never prove to him that his conclusions about my character were false, but I could prove it to myself.

The experience has been interesting.  Though I am by no means a popufur, I could have at least expected a trickle of favorites and watches periodically, little doses of a secret drug that I didn't even know I craved.  Without that white noise I felt unknown again, and the illusion that I was somehow important to people I had never met nor interacted with was torn and cast aside.

It is interesting to go unnoticed again.  Without a gallery or contribution I have the sense that I have become just another spectator, a perspective that I haven't experienced in quite some time.  It is liberating to remove an imagined expectation and just be for awhile.  I highly recomend it.
Viewed: 68 times
Added: 7 years ago
 
tannim
7 years ago
I had wondered what happened, but I didn't want to ask in case it was an emergency "oh shit my parents found my art" type situation.  I'm sorry to hear you were that depressed.  Depression is a nasty thing indeed.  I'll try to hit you up on AIM more often.

I like your art and hope you do go about uploading it again.

Best way I have found to get attention is to comment on other artist's art.

For now though, I must go to bed.
Gobby
7 years ago
Yeah, it's almost that time for me too.  
cursedscythe
7 years ago
Sometimes we expect too much from the reality, that is true. But it's also true that the scale at our expectations affect our overall mood depends on our own personalities and habits. I never sweated over the numbers, but I also didn't enjoy being unnoticed either... I think that such appearance experiments are something we all go through, sooner or later.

I sincerely hope you will feel better over time.
Gobby
7 years ago
Delusion persists when false beliefs go unchallenged.  It's important to keep things in perspective.  It helps to keep us aware of how things really are as opposed to how we often let ourselves perceive them.

Thanks draggy.  I do feel better actually, though it still kinda hurts that I lost a friend.  I just like to spill my guts to the interbutts sometimes to let them know what I think or what's going on in my life.  It's sort of cathartic, plus it gets me a little bit of attention sometimes, which is always good.

"Just one more comment, then I'm going straight.  Oooooh, sweet attention~"
Lando
7 years ago
Best not to give a fuck ʅ(◔౪◔)ʃ
Gobby
7 years ago
I'm slowly learning this.
Shokuji
7 years ago
Oddly, that bit of advice is probably best. The moment you start caring about your 'status', you've already fallen for the trap. If you care about status it can be used against you. Just be who you are, enjoy what you want to do, & let everything else go. =)
elix
7 years ago
*kiss* :3
Gobby
7 years ago
Oh you.  :3
RandyTheFox
7 years ago
Well, think about it this way: if you will purge your gallery then I think almost nobody will notice that. There is no purge-notice if you don't create a specific journal about it. I don't think watchers on IB are systematically checking the profile pages of the guys they're watching. On the other hand, if you would create something new, submit a journal or an art, then they automatically have your attention because they will have a notice.
The bottom line is, the site is made to promote the new creations, not to promote the absence of the existing ones. It's strange, somehow sad, but that is how it's functioning.

Anyway, don't think if you would just disappear, then nobody would notice. Friends that talk to you very often would notice very soon that something is wrong. Or, that's what I think.

Best,
Randy~ *hughugs*
Gobby
7 years ago
I never said it was a logical expectation, just one that I had apparently.  I understand now, of course.
RandyTheFox
7 years ago
:3 *snughugs~*
IrritatedCharizard
7 years ago
*hugs and licks your cheek* o3o
Gobby
7 years ago
Silly dragon.  o3o
IrritatedCharizard
7 years ago
Well we be sillybutts then. <3  I think I was tired when I saw this sorry for not doing much, I dont know, I just feel drained reading all these journals, which is a poor excuse but idk. I end up giving hugs and whatnot so thats what I just plainly did.
Shokuji
7 years ago
" At first, the results were disappointing.  No one noticed or commented, wondering where my gallery went.
No one noticed because when people remove things on IB they're not notified. All the art that people fav'd are quietly removed from their favorites and such. I didn't notice because I don't commonly browse peoples user pages & we talk regularly on IMs. (By the way, you can get the deletions reversed, just send them a support ticket and they can help ya.)

" Suffice to say, I came to realize that I was treating this much too seriously.
I think that happens to lots of people on community websites and stuff. Though to a degree I can't blame them as everyone wants to be known by someone.

" one of my friends decided to cut off contact with me.  We exchanged a short round of PM's and then that was it.  Blocked and presumably forgotten.
I'm still a little shocked by that considering how much you supported him, and defended him. I'm sorry if I ever made you feel bad about doing so. I just had a feeling he was going to pull this and I just wanted to make sure he wasn't going to hurt you. [hugs] In the end, he made the choice, and a terrible choice on his part. But you can't make people change their minds, they just gotta go on and live with their own bad choices. Remember the good times & move on.

" It is liberating to remove an imagined expectation and just be for awhile. I highly recommend it.
In the process of partially doing this, actually. Trying to make more times for my loved ones and close friends, as well as make more time for coloring/drawing. You know I care about you, just let me know if you think I could help in some way. Though I'm glad you're coming through this on a positive. [hugs]
Gobby
7 years ago
I know that now, of course, but the depressed person's mind is full of cobwebs and cognitive distortions.  It's what I thought at the time.

I'll try to poke you more often.  I know you're a busy tiger, but if neither of us do it nobody will get poked, and what fun would that be?

*poke poke poke*  :3
Shokuji
7 years ago
[hugs tightly] ^_^ Yus, poke me anytime. =3
Tygepc
7 years ago
I really don't know what to say. You've got my support either way. Good luck.
XValentine
7 years ago
Umm, I'm a nobody, we've never met, and as I don't watch you and I honestly forget that the internet exists I probably don't have the right, but I wanted to say my piece (bad opening, or worst opening ever). Hmm, anyway,  I'm really sorry that you're sad, and to be honest that doesn't really make sense.  At first when I read it I found it annoying, wanted to be mad at you (though again I've never met you) even was mad at you.  I couldn't understand why though, so I read it again.  It sounds to me to be a lot like myself, and I don't want to garner attention, you need it right now, so I'll generalize.  When people delete their stuff or rants or anything really remotely negative or needy feeling really our first instincts as people is to shun it.  We've become so affraid of negative light that we get angry at negative emotion, to the point to where we do it at any emotion at all.  I honestly didn't know you existed until seeing your avatar in a comment five minutes (probably less) before reading your journal.  I do apologize for my initial reaction though and empathize over the lack of reactions of others, though if it helps just know that most people don't say things in these situations even if they are concerned or wanting to be nice, it's always easiest to do nothing.  Good night.
Gobby
7 years ago
It's inevitable that we all get in the dumps at one point or another, but I'm not really sad right now.  I wrote this mainly because I like to share little insights into the way my noggin works sometimes.  It's meant to be read as a sort of reflection, not as a cry for attention.  

I'm glad you took the time to read it through a second time, as that sentiment is kind of what the theme of the journal is about: challenging viewpoints and changing your own perspective.  Honestly, I've never felt angry at someone because they were sad, and I'm sort of curious to know what goes through the mind of people that do.  Is the neediness offensive in some way?  (I'm not trying to sound dickish, if that's how this comes off.  I'm sincerely interested.)
XValentine
7 years ago
It's hard to put it really.  It's just, I see someone who I feel is crying for attention (whether they seem sad or not doesn't even cross my mind anymore, too many people seem to make themselves sad just so they can try and get attention) and it just makes me wonder if things are bad enough to really be generating that much unnesecary negative energy.  Everyone gets sad sometimes, but not everyone feels the need to shove their sadness at everyone else.  I don't really think that that's what you were trying to do though *shrugs*.  But to the people who do just listen to everyone else being sad, whos there when they feel sad?
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