and believe me i DO wish it were better news, but it's not, and currently there's nothing I myself alone can do about it. so consider this my notice that i'm on indefinite hiatus TFN.
yup, for the moment, i quit. not something i WANT to do. not something i LIKE to do. but it remains that i've finished ONE full length story in the past oh, almost year and a half now and the writer's block isn't going away; if anything the static between my ears is just getting worse and worse. and all in all i'm pretty much just tired of putting myself and my stuff out there to everyone for, well, nothing. i've never asked anything but two things, i don't beg for money, i don't make drama willingly, anyway, but there reaches a point when if you have an audience you ask yourself why you're pushing the goddamn boulder all by yourself when there's supposedly folks out there who like what you do and want it to continue? i don't know these days. i'm tired. the past 6 months have been very, very draining on a personal level, on an emotional level and mentally i'm shot.
for the past year or so i feel as if i've been shattered or fragmented into 3 separate, disparate entities that are ALL trying to live in my skin and skull; the one who's tired, stressed, tense and worried all the time who's just ANGRY; the worn-out, wrung-out, exhausted one who slides along in mental and emotional gray-mode not feeling a thing but apathy who'd love nothing more than to just nuke all my crap on the various sites from orbit, have it over and done with and if it ever comes back, BFD, he'll throw a party THEN but just generally feels like hanging the "fuck you and fuck off" shingle out and the individual who used to enjoy being on-line, doing all this crap and who wrote smut. to use an old chestnut that last fellow is just a whisper now. that one's caught between the raging angry and the energy sucking dead-battery of the others.
i'm not looking for any of anyone's damn sympathy, or ass-pats or what-ever, so please, save it. i'm just doing what i normally do and telling it like it is. i'm tired, i'm tired of life, i'm tired of the scene, i could use a nice long coma. or people who actually gave a shit past uttering cheap, easy, socially acceptable platitudes that mean nothing when it comes to actually perpetuating a continuation of what goes on on THIS page, dealer's choice.
till such time as the writer/creative block clears, which from past experience could be tomorrow, could be half a decade depending on how quickly my batteries recharge, consider me uninterested in being here. don't send me PMs or shouts. if you wish to speak to ME like i'm a human being as opposed to a pornography vending machine, my messengers are listed. if i write again, hey terrific, if not, currently i don't feel too too put out over not agonizing on the whole issue. i'm not touching anything. i just simply won't be updating anything till such time as i have something new TO share, or i simply don't feel like continuing the farce any longer. so sans intervention consider the odds 50/50. that's it, that's all. if you care, you care, if you don't, you've lost nothing, i've lost nothing, net energy transference = zero. can you tell who's in the pilot's seat currently? if you can i'll leave your 10 house points hanging next to the door.
