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Arious

Catatonic

by
The following is a twisted idea I've been toying with I thought you guys might enjoy, or you might be horrified, lets face it I do write horror now and then.  In any case I'd like a few opinions is anyone wants to read beyond this point and let me know if you want me to continue this one:

     The sun rose in vermillion hues mixed with the sudden golden spirals of light before cresting the mountains.  Below in the slowly fading darkness the shapes of the dead, dying, and utterly exhausted slowly began to take shape.  The cruel blood of that rising sun was the ultimate ill omen of the disaster that had begun the night before.

     Carmen hated the rubber suit she wore.  She would have perferred to go out into the test field without it but the pheromone levels were off the charts.  Without the suit she would be like all the others on the ground before her.  Naked fur was everywhere on the field of combat.  Some few with enough stamina were still embracing those around them in wanton lust as they kissed or mounted their lovers unable to stop themselves.  Her tail twitched in the suit as she worked her way around a group that lay there unmoving having screwed themselves to death.  The very thought was both appalling and appealing in a way she couldn't explain.  It was much like looking at a train wreck in many ways.  The horror of the idea of all those bodies makes you want to look away, you can't help wanting to avert your eyes from the scene.  At the same time your glad its not you and you wonder if anyone you know is there.  You have to look because of the perverse thrill of survival and the wonder of knowing if you lost a friend.  You have to look to confirm your still alive.  For Carmen it was something else.  She had been the creator of this devastating weapon and never dreamed one would be used.  Her whiskers twitched and her claws unsheathed for a split second, thank god the suit was made to withstand such things.  Carmen began to breath a little heavier seeing the mass devastation of her weapon.  Bodies strewn about, men and women, thankfully no children in the release zone.  Maybe it was supposed to be like this, but she had never expected the fallout to be this bad.  The explosive wasn't supposed to be released in this area in the first place.  It was in all honesty an accident dealing with a faulty firing mechanism.  The results until now had been purely subjective conjecture because nobody was willing to use the device.

     the XR-23 pheromone warhead had been in manufacture only 3 months.  The specialized pheromone gas was created using the biochemical reactions of the male and female hormonal secretion glands and synthesized in its purest form.  The gas had never been tested because of the theorized potential for harm.  It was a weapon of last result.  Who could have known that result would be a mass orgy of 110,000 individuals with only 15 survivors...


     I have more guys, but this is enough to start with.  Its a rough draft admittedly and mostly its just the general idea of some of the concepts I'm planning to use.  I was thinking if enough people find it interesting I'll continue with it as a viable first submission once I complete it.  Just let me know what you think of it and I'll probably go from there rather quickly.
Viewed: 22 times
Added: 7 years, 2 months ago
 
Toshubi
7 years, 2 months ago
So far the story seems interesting. (It has my attention anyways. :) I would like to see more. Have you thought about putting it up in your gallery? It may get more readers and web traffic there. (If thats what you want that is.)
Arious
7 years, 2 months ago
i now have the prolog and the first official chapter up and running in a gallery
ButtercupSaiyan
7 years, 2 months ago
I really like this hook. The thought also makes me cringe of knowing that the elderly, the mentally disabled, and children were affected all well so basically "Jesus christ how horrifying" said thumb Pinkie to thumb Twilight Sparkle.

http://images.wikia.com/gyropedia/images/3/33/Pinkieho...

The intro is full of purple prose, though. The regular paragraph is fine.

I like to just delete those kind of melodramatic passages and replace them with something like "All the bodies... " or an actual scene. Show, don't tell. It's going to mean more if someone clutches her ankle and she reaches down and there's nothing to remove, the hand is just bone at the ends from ... the bloodstains on their partner speak everything, caressing until there was nothing left to caress with, etc.
Arious
7 years, 2 months ago
not too bad a thought, not totally what I want, but not bad.  I'm thinking of running with it but i'm not doing gallery till I finish writing the first chapter, then I'll start posting in the gallery.  I figure that will be the time if I know for sure i'll be able to continue with it the way I want to.
Arious
7 years, 2 months ago
The Prolog and the first official chapter are up in gallery right now, enjoy and if you like it please spread the word.
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