Tomorrow is the start of hunting season. Normally at this time, my dad and I would be laying out our guns, getting them all ready, laying out our camouflage and picking our favorite candy bars at the store to put in our packs. I would be hurriedly making sure I had my deer tags, and he would make sure we both got to bed so we could get up early.
In the morning we would make it up to our spot and take the truck in, I loved the smell of the dust, the sagebrush. The chill in the air. We would unload the atv and head off, my arms around my dad and him driving. He would tell me which way to lean if we came across a ditch or some rocks, he would show me tracks and signs of animals. He would point out old Pioneer graves and old, ancient houses..once so full of love.
Then we would go to "our rock" and sit and watch the hills through binoculars. As the sun rose, we would see the city far out, and hot air balloons starting to rise. It was silent. I had my Dad. I had love, the world...was good. It wasn't even about hunting...it was about a Father and his Daughter, his little girl that admired him and loved him so much through the years....and now, I sit here crying into his hunting jacket, having some very depressing personal issues and mental issues, and I don't feel like I have a friend in this whole world. I miss him, so very much. Why did Cancer have to take him?
I think about my past, and making these suits and giving refunds, and this is the first time in my life I have ever tried to do something to make Dad truly proud. He is my driving force. I think about so much I have been through, and others have been through, and I feel horrible, HORRIBLE for missing deadlines and such. I always wanted to make people happy. And now, I am the underdog. The person no one believes in.
You know what though? I have learned SO SO much, and I truly feel it has changed my life and my outlook on things. I am mentally in a very dark place, but I know I can make others happy by making the suits I owe and such. I don't have to be the underdog. I will not stop trying until every suit and every penny is returned. I WILL make things right, and I truly hope you have all seen through my updates that I am. I am communicating with people, answering questions, making new deadlines, Constantly working, communicating, putting in for jobs. WHY am I doing this you ask? To do the right thing. To make my Dad proud. To prove everyone wrong. And for once in my life....to be worth something to someone out there.
I am pushing myself. But I will NOT give up.
I love you, Dad. Happy Hunting in Heaven.
5 years, 2 months ago
06 Oct 2013 05:42 CEST